Bruised/ pinched nerve finger, 6-7 bug bites on my face, tender jaw.

Something is trying to beat me up in my sleep.

Had one of the worst days yesterday and the day before; I started wondering why I even came. Cried through the first 20 minutes of both of my classes. I am overwhelmed by 5 projects due in 7 days.

I have a very high standard when I write and do papers; and a 4 week course is not enough time to write the way I want to. What's difficult is that the reason I have such a high standard of myself is because I feel behind; if I don't reach this standard, I'm just above bearable. On top of that I've realized that through the past bout of depression, I've spent so much time trying to breathe through class that I don't have any notes.

Got a note from my professor that he'd like to see me organize my writing better, to match my intelligence. I know it's a compliment, but it makes me feel tense in my chest. Instinctively, I'm just not good enough; I can't be.

It was a struggle getting out of bed this morning- but I did. And about 10 hours later, I finished my owl.

She's a little heating pad filled with rice, made of a white tank top, a purple bandana, and Lahu fabric I wove myself.

She makes me feel a little hopeful about me and my ability.

Tried buying clothes today with Beth and Roe. We made a trip to Nimenhaeman and scoured the street for their boutiques. We visited 6 shops, tried on 10+ dresses, and nothing.

I'm trying not to blame my body for that; Roe and Beth tried really hard. I'm grateful for them. And I had a good time.

Maybe I just keep hoping for something that'll turn me into a different body, and I just need to like what I've got. Somewhere in me is someone who likes me.

Past few days have been bad. But not as bad as The Worst.

I feel small, skill-less, and annoyed at most people.

The way Bon Iver's voice sounds is how I feel: strained, and a little underlying sense that it's not supposed to be this way.

Thanks Lord,

Today was great.

I feel like a waste.

I have so little grace to offer myself.

I want to be better now.

I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance. I don't have to pay penance.

Things I've Learned Today

My circle of friends has changed every year; and I've had intense short relationships all through college.

Throughout this Thing, I've laid all of myself upon the one person who's been a strength source these past years. As God has grown more and more distant, and as I realized that most of my relationships are short, I've relied more and more on this person to help me deal with the Thing.

But no one person was meant to carry that burden.

So, I've resolved myself to be more intentional about the relationships around me, even if they're short. Not out of penance, but because they're good for me-and good for us. Hopefully, they won't all be so short. Hopefully, it'll bring me out of my navel gazing long enough to be less destructive.

L--d, come quickly; but thanks for today- it was better than yesterday.

I don't live in a lifeboat.

I don't have to self-flaggelate.

I don't have to pay penance.

I am loved.

I am liked.

I don't have to work for it.

People can handle me. I am not too much.

life boat.

how sad.

how sad that I only feel loved when I'm loved -more- than someone else.

when I'm special.

There's nothing in that but oppression.

.... but that's not who I am or what I'm about or who I believe God is.

L--d, please come quickly. I'm a real fucking mess.

But thanks for today, it was better than yesterday.

-I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.- Rumi, 'whoever brought me here'

I'm afraid of what will happen when I let down my guard, if I let myself relax.

I'm afraid of all the ugliness that'll appear when I'm not watching it.

Made a scene today. Cried my way through my refusal to go to Dr. Amnuay's tonight.

Had my back to the room, but I'm pretty sure there were 5 or 6 people standing there.

I can't f--king stand me.

I'm allowed to be f--ked up, I'm just not allowed to show.

Today's one of those days when I have to will myself to keep breathing.

i'm just a little cup pretending to be a river.