Comps Morning

I have taken 12 official Sociology courses:

Intro to Sociology

Sociology of Religion

Social Problems

Social Thought

Social Stratification

Global Impact: US in the World

Race and Ethnicity

Practicum in Sociology

Research Methods

Seminar in Sociology

Social Context in Community Development (with the wonderful Dwight Jackson)

And 3 courses that were very similar to Sociology:

Intro to Communications

Intro to Conflict Transformation

Intro to Women's Studies

All emotional craziness and paralyzing fear aside, I have prepared to the best of my ability.

I live and breathe this.

I will pass this test.

I leave tomorrow for practicum to Lao.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

oh G-d, I'm so afraid.

---

I've realized that I really am influenced by the emotions other people are feeling around me. Something in me always feels like it's my fault.

It used to be that the only thing I was good at was writing and photography.

It seems now I'm no good at either.

Regardless.

-photos from nong tong village on flickr-

I transferred to North Park with one conviction- to learn about poverty. Since my time there, I've learned about racism, feminism, but not global poverty.

I gave up photography- being behind it made me feel distant, and separate, and like I was stealing from someone. I spent a lot of time questioning what good it did- the only people who're interested in photography of development already have seen the best. To them- a photo's just a photo. For everyone else in the western world- they spend most of their days distracted by their lives, and if they really wanted to know what was going on- it's just a few clicks away. A photo's just a photo to them too.

I get scared when I realize that this is still the only thing I'm "good" at. One- because I'm not that good, two- because photography and journalism don't matter anymore.

.... I gave it all up for this education I wanted at North Park- and I still didn't learn what I wanted to learn.

A friend of mine takes beautiful photographs- so beautiful that I kept thinking one of them was done by a professional photographer. She just has a natural eye.

In all this time, in all my trying- I can't do what she does.

But here I am- a week away from an advertising practicum. Going back to this thing I spent years of my life slaving for and then spent the last 2 years trying to forget- I don't have an idea what I'm doing.

GoED

GoED is going to be $17,000+, up front, in the middle of August.

No scholarships. No FASFA. Loans aren't a good idea because I've already taken out $23,000.

$17,000+.


I talk to my Dad tonight.

-update-
8:30 pm

My Dad doesn't waste words. He also doesn't like telling people things they don't want to hear.

I explained the situation.
He cut me off, said, "Chris, do you have to go to thailand? Can you stay here?"
me: Not really.
dad: me and your mom have been talking and we just don't have $17,000.
me: ok. well then, i guess i just won't go.
dad: well, chris... me and your mom will talk about it.
me: no, no. if we don't have it then we don't have it. i'll just stay here next year.
dad: i'm sorry, chris.
me: it's ok.
dad: bye.
me: bye.

I've contacted 2 more schools about payment programs. Greenville (an affiliate school), and Bethel- the wild card.

i'm not getting my hopes up. i don't know what makes me sadder, that i'm probably not going, or that my dad couldn't offer me anything more than 'i'm sorry'.

goED

I have passed the big hurdle.... North Park has approved GoED.

I still have to apply to goED, and to George Fox University.... and I have to raise enough money for my camera.

and while I'm super excited to go (you can tell by all the travel blogs i'm collecting), I've never been so afraid. and afraid like i'm not meant to be this way. or to do this thing.

which is really kind of silly. Because, what would I be doing if this wasn't it?

(dot). (dot). (dot).

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things - air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky - all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” - Cesare Pavese

- source

finals week

This week, I have 2 presentations, 2 papers due, and 3 finals.
And my nose is stuffed. (Makes infant face)

At least by tomorrow morning, one presentation will be finished.

I know that my life right now is going down hill because I don't know, don't trust, don't believe in a good God.
Peter Hong says that as Christians we don't believe in a good, gracious God, because a truly unconditionally loving God, could ask us to give up anything.
I ask Colby what I'm afraid to give up, because I feel like I've given up everything. Colby says control. Everyone needs control over their life. He says I should consider praying for a mentor. I straight laughed.
I've been thinking why I laughed. And it's because almost everything I've ever done, I've done on my own. There's the task at the beginning, and the judgment at the end. The only word I get from someone higher has been either "Good" or "Not good enough." And if anything's not good enough, it's because I didn't work hard enough, because I was too lazy, because I chose not to invest my all.
So the idea of giving up control does not sit well with me. Because if things do not go "well" it's my fault. It's because of my inefficiencies and short comings.

But I suppose with God there is no 'going well' or 'not going well', no 'good' or 'not good enough'. Maybe all there is is 'in God's will' or 'not'.

Lord, where ever You are, help me get there.

:| whenever I think of God's will, I think of putting other above myself; which I know I haven't been very good at doing.... but it comes back to what I'm doing wrong and being in control still.

I've been thinking a lot about nursing. The idea of doing it is exciting... but it's still just an option. That's all... just the way I've rationalized the dilemmas I've run into.

Lord, please help.

I still don't know my place. I still don't know what I'm doing.
LORD, please help me. Please make this clear.

I still wanna move to the Philippines, don't I?
I still wanna work with women, don't I?
I still wanna do photography, right?

It's the right thing for me to go into nursing, isn't it?
It allows me to work in a system, which is good, because I knew I need to be guided, that I can't be alone pioneering this. It's micro work, which is both good and bad; it enables me to be human with each person, but will being human with each person force me into an emotional black hole? It can also translate into macro work through questions like 'What are the demographics of people I serve? Why is that? How can we make this more available?"

LORD, I remember I have a purpose. But if You could just let me know, that'd be great.

why...

am I so lonely, all the damn time?

selling out.

The mission is still to move overseas.
....but am I bailing?
Roe called me out.
"You had full potential to be a great media coordinator/editor. But you're becoming a nurse."

Am I selling out because I want to do medicine?

For a long time, it was Roe and I, 2 sociologists against the world. Now, I'm the one that bailed.

I'm the one that bailed.

I don't know what I want.

Do I really wanna do a Master's in Nursing?
For the prestige?
Because all I've ever wanted was to know if I was good enough for the UC's?

Is it ok that what I really want is to see if I can do it?
because I really think I can.

^sigh.

I know that want to be a nurse, that I wanna see patients get better, that I want to be useful when I decide to move internationally; I also know that I wanna move back to the Bay; that I want to be with my family; and I want to be good enough to get into UC.



I signed my email Christina Mungcal today; I did it for the MEPN emails.... I'm not quite sure what I want that to mean.
I haven't done laundry in forever.

"I'm just being practical right now."

Beth introduced me to Gerard, a pinoy she works with who introduced me to a bunch of other filipinas, and we studied together for a few hours yesterday. EVERYONE is a nursing major. EVERYONE.

I was talking to Ate May's sister, Myra, and when I asked her if she was in nursing she nodded, "Yes, I'm just being practical right now."
And I remembered why I didn't want to do nursing in the first place; because there are SO many pin@ys are doing it because it's in high demand and they'll get paid well. And I wonder if they have enough love and sympathy for their patients.

I'm probably judging. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Filipin@s make fantastic nurses.

I'm probably only upset because I don't know if I'm good enough.

I was thinking about getting my reference letters; and I have NO idea where I would get them from.
Stienhart
Nedilsky
Alani?
And who else?

And if they tell the truth... do I want them to write it?

My biggest question is still about whether or not I want to be a Nurse Practitioner. Shouldn't I just get my RN first? And just try it out first?
Am I being sensible or just afraid?

I didn't apply to the UC system. I didn't finish my CSU applications. I had internalized my fear and then projected it out that I didn't "need it." I was so afraid of their rejection, I refused to apply. I don't want to be afraid this time.

I sent an informational email to the program. I have to do my GRE this summer. I have to decide a specialty before I apply.
I'm so afraid.

fear and UCSF MEPN

I told Dad last night. He's really excited. (He should be. He and Mom are also back together!)
He suggested UCSF because they have an accelerated one year program, and I went and looked it up.
But it's not a one year. Well it is, sort of, I am eligible to take my NCLEX (RN exam) in a year, but after that I have 2 years to specialize in a Nursing Master's degree. It's called the MEPN; Master's Entry Program in Nursing.

I have three really awesome options to specialize in:
midwifery/women's health
trauma
advanced community health and international nursing

INTERNATIONAL NURSING.

When I found out I freaked out, I called Dad and went a little nuts. I decided I wanted to be a nurse 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago! And now I find out that I have to be a specialist! SPECIALTY means leadership! When I graduate they'll make me the head of something! That's SO scary! SO FRIGHTENING. I'm too afraid I don't want this. I'm too afraid to want this. I know FANTASTIC people who do nursing, and how do I be amazing like that? And Dad pegged it, dead on. He knew that I was afraid of this opportunity.

Not only that, but I have exactly ONE YEAR to know if I wanna do this. ONE YEAR to choose a specialty and APPLY. ONE YEAR.

I don't think I'm good enough.


but I want to try anyway.

inclusion and exclusion.

Today, Beth introduced me to Gerard, a Filipino she works with, and I got to meet 4 other people who look and sound like I do. ^_^. They were appalled that I had spent 2 years here and haven't met any other Filipinos and proceeded to go through the yearbook page by page and pointing out all the Filipinos. It was great. I have an Ate here at NPU! ^_^.


I sent Charles an article today from Racialicious... and it's amazing what the word 'overbearing' does to me. Not that he isn't right. In my effort to make him feel understood, I said the wrong things.

getting back.

I don't know when I started slacking off.
When I stopped reading my class material; when I stopped organizing my papers; stopped calendaring; started leaving my shit everywhere; or leaving dishes around the place; and it's culminated in losing the Dialogue attendance sheet TWICE.

This is my ONLY CONSISTENT RESPONSIBILITY as a PAA and I lost it. TWICE.

Come on, get it together. All I really have to offer is my organization and hard work; if I can't do that. There's no point.

-edit-
AND I have a test in Research Methods on Monday; way to go. I haven't even read any of the chapters since the last test.
This is not ok.


Walang ligaya sa lupa na hindi dinilig ng luha.
There is no earthly bliss not watered by tears.

another sleepless night.

I can't sleep.
I'm watching episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy instead.
lol. The last time I stayed up all night I wanted to be a graphic designer; the time before that it was food blogging.
:/ And none of that lasted.
So who says this will?


Well, regardless, I love Grey's Anatomy. ^_^.
Racial diversity, Plus-size women, interracial relationships, wrinkles... all those human things we pretend don't exist (and sometimes we refuse to allow to exist).

running

Have I been running this whole time?

I've fought my whole life to not do medicine.
And here I am considering being a sociology/nursing double major.
If I do this, I will be at North Park for another 3 years.

I remember being at the Mother Teresa orphanage for mentally disabled children and how I was completely immobile during it. I refused to touch anyone or come near anyone because I felt if I have nothing to offer, nothing to help heal I had no business being there.

I don't know if this is a good idea. I'm afraid of sickness. I'm afraid of people dying.
Do I think just because I know how to wrap a bandage it's is going to curb my fear of wounds?

:/ I do know that when I do see sickness, all I can think is you should not be this way.

Lord, if this is an impulse, please take it away.