finals week

This week, I have 2 presentations, 2 papers due, and 3 finals.
And my nose is stuffed. (Makes infant face)

At least by tomorrow morning, one presentation will be finished.

I know that my life right now is going down hill because I don't know, don't trust, don't believe in a good God.
Peter Hong says that as Christians we don't believe in a good, gracious God, because a truly unconditionally loving God, could ask us to give up anything.
I ask Colby what I'm afraid to give up, because I feel like I've given up everything. Colby says control. Everyone needs control over their life. He says I should consider praying for a mentor. I straight laughed.
I've been thinking why I laughed. And it's because almost everything I've ever done, I've done on my own. There's the task at the beginning, and the judgment at the end. The only word I get from someone higher has been either "Good" or "Not good enough." And if anything's not good enough, it's because I didn't work hard enough, because I was too lazy, because I chose not to invest my all.
So the idea of giving up control does not sit well with me. Because if things do not go "well" it's my fault. It's because of my inefficiencies and short comings.

But I suppose with God there is no 'going well' or 'not going well', no 'good' or 'not good enough'. Maybe all there is is 'in God's will' or 'not'.

Lord, where ever You are, help me get there.

:| whenever I think of God's will, I think of putting other above myself; which I know I haven't been very good at doing.... but it comes back to what I'm doing wrong and being in control still.

I've been thinking a lot about nursing. The idea of doing it is exciting... but it's still just an option. That's all... just the way I've rationalized the dilemmas I've run into.

Lord, please help.