It used to be that the only thing I was good at was writing and photography.

It seems now I'm no good at either.

Regardless.

-photos from nong tong village on flickr-

I transferred to North Park with one conviction- to learn about poverty. Since my time there, I've learned about racism, feminism, but not global poverty.

I gave up photography- being behind it made me feel distant, and separate, and like I was stealing from someone. I spent a lot of time questioning what good it did- the only people who're interested in photography of development already have seen the best. To them- a photo's just a photo. For everyone else in the western world- they spend most of their days distracted by their lives, and if they really wanted to know what was going on- it's just a few clicks away. A photo's just a photo to them too.

I get scared when I realize that this is still the only thing I'm "good" at. One- because I'm not that good, two- because photography and journalism don't matter anymore.

.... I gave it all up for this education I wanted at North Park- and I still didn't learn what I wanted to learn.

A friend of mine takes beautiful photographs- so beautiful that I kept thinking one of them was done by a professional photographer. She just has a natural eye.

In all this time, in all my trying- I can't do what she does.

But here I am- a week away from an advertising practicum. Going back to this thing I spent years of my life slaving for and then spent the last 2 years trying to forget- I don't have an idea what I'm doing.

present-ness.

Today's chapel was based on the Incarnation and Christ's call for us to be incarnate with each other. I am very bad at this. Right now, I'm typing this in anatomy class where I should be learning about cells.

Chapel today has reminded me of why I continually struggle being in/wanting to be in media. Above all things, I want to value people the most. And if what I want to do/ or am best at conflicts with that value, it needs to go.

But I suppose, I just need to get it under control. Making sure it doesn't conflict with being people. Like being able to leave my phone at home; to make sure every photo I take is meant for something and not my facebook/myspace.

Struggle.

passion.

when I think about it, I will always be passionate about photography.
schell says I need to get over my insecurities and just allow it to be.
and I really wanna do that.
But I still remember how I felt, not having a skill to offer them, and then asking them if it was ok for me to intrude on their daily lives.

And when I think about it, I don't even feel like I have a cause.

...no cause, no skill, just me and my love for pictures.