Saturday. April 17.

I woke up early. I showered. I came to Starbucks because it's walkable and I spent waaay too much money at Kopi's earlier this week.

Starbucks reeks of high school. Of skipped classes and stolen time. It feels like the time I spent trying to be someone else. That's the real reason I don't like coming. Not because of the bad politics and worse coffee (burnt!!), but because I remember watching her sit there, the small passionfruit ice tea between us, wishing I could be more like her. Funnier. Cuter.

I'm done with this unnecessary association. I'm done wishing I were someone else.

There are much, much bigger things to wish for.

present-ness.

Today's chapel was based on the Incarnation and Christ's call for us to be incarnate with each other. I am very bad at this. Right now, I'm typing this in anatomy class where I should be learning about cells.

Chapel today has reminded me of why I continually struggle being in/wanting to be in media. Above all things, I want to value people the most. And if what I want to do/ or am best at conflicts with that value, it needs to go.

But I suppose, I just need to get it under control. Making sure it doesn't conflict with being people. Like being able to leave my phone at home; to make sure every photo I take is meant for something and not my facebook/myspace.

Struggle.

finals week

This week, I have 2 presentations, 2 papers due, and 3 finals.
And my nose is stuffed. (Makes infant face)

At least by tomorrow morning, one presentation will be finished.

I know that my life right now is going down hill because I don't know, don't trust, don't believe in a good God.
Peter Hong says that as Christians we don't believe in a good, gracious God, because a truly unconditionally loving God, could ask us to give up anything.
I ask Colby what I'm afraid to give up, because I feel like I've given up everything. Colby says control. Everyone needs control over their life. He says I should consider praying for a mentor. I straight laughed.
I've been thinking why I laughed. And it's because almost everything I've ever done, I've done on my own. There's the task at the beginning, and the judgment at the end. The only word I get from someone higher has been either "Good" or "Not good enough." And if anything's not good enough, it's because I didn't work hard enough, because I was too lazy, because I chose not to invest my all.
So the idea of giving up control does not sit well with me. Because if things do not go "well" it's my fault. It's because of my inefficiencies and short comings.

But I suppose with God there is no 'going well' or 'not going well', no 'good' or 'not good enough'. Maybe all there is is 'in God's will' or 'not'.

Lord, where ever You are, help me get there.

:| whenever I think of God's will, I think of putting other above myself; which I know I haven't been very good at doing.... but it comes back to what I'm doing wrong and being in control still.

I've been thinking a lot about nursing. The idea of doing it is exciting... but it's still just an option. That's all... just the way I've rationalized the dilemmas I've run into.

Lord, please help.

a change gonna come.

This past Thanksgiving weekend I realized that all semester I've been depressed.
Of course there are good/great days; but I'm mainly pushing upstream.

I know it's completely irrational, but depression by definition is irrational.

It's been characterized by:
a feeling of deep loneliness that isn't remedied by the presence of others
a hate of being physically alone
recurring anxiety that's like someone bound up my heart and dropped in in my stomach
a lack of motivation to do anything, school, work, eat, or even call others
the constant recurring thought that "there's something inherently wrong with me"
an un-satisfaction with who I am and who I am becoming
a disconnect between who I say I am and who I practice to be

It might just be this semester, and it may be over soon...maybe all I need is to do work that I want to be doing, like volunteering with common threads where I teach kids to cook and eat well, and doing classes where I can get a real handle on nursing (anatomy) and a real grasp of what I wanted from sociology (practicum and US impact in the global world). ^crosses fingers.

If things go as planned (which they usually don't) all I'll need is to reconcile my sexuality and get into GoEd and find a Bay Area nursing program. And I'm all good! ^sarcastic fist pump.

I've never wanted to move back home as much as I do right now; which is funny, because it won't make me feel better.

...I'm going to bed.

breathe.

I'm feeling the pressure of the end of the semester.
I feel really lonely at night and it paralyzes me from doing anything productive.
(Not that I don't feel that way during the day, or that any work gets done then.)
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a semester abroad if I'm going to meet all my requirements for UC.
(or pass this semester at the rate I'm going)

I'm just doing the best I can right now.


... Really. I promise.