long time no post.

Hello blogo-world:


I've mainly come back to say that I've read 4 books this August.


The Hunger Games
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Help
East of Eden


----

And, I'm glad I read them all. They were wonderful.

I'm especially glad I read East of Eden. Full of a lot of beauty.

However, I still don't really know why there was so much of the Hamilton history in it. Looking back, it just felt uncessary.

Did I try hard enough?
What if I didn't?

Saturday. April 17.

I woke up early. I showered. I came to Starbucks because it's walkable and I spent waaay too much money at Kopi's earlier this week.

Starbucks reeks of high school. Of skipped classes and stolen time. It feels like the time I spent trying to be someone else. That's the real reason I don't like coming. Not because of the bad politics and worse coffee (burnt!!), but because I remember watching her sit there, the small passionfruit ice tea between us, wishing I could be more like her. Funnier. Cuter.

I'm done with this unnecessary association. I'm done wishing I were someone else.

There are much, much bigger things to wish for.

Bad Pictures of My Roommates

These are my roommates.

This is Starbucks I went to this morning.

SAM

New sticker!

I love Secret Asian Man. Comics + Stereotype Breaking + Dear-Anti-Racist,-Don't-Be-So-Serious= Awesome.

Comps Morning

I have taken 12 official Sociology courses:

Intro to Sociology

Sociology of Religion

Social Problems

Social Thought

Social Stratification

Global Impact: US in the World

Race and Ethnicity

Practicum in Sociology

Research Methods

Seminar in Sociology

Social Context in Community Development (with the wonderful Dwight Jackson)

And 3 courses that were very similar to Sociology:

Intro to Communications

Intro to Conflict Transformation

Intro to Women's Studies

All emotional craziness and paralyzing fear aside, I have prepared to the best of my ability.

I live and breathe this.

I will pass this test.

I feel like Easter finally came for me.

Two days late, but a Resurrection Day nonetheless.

sigh. First time in a long time that I've written anything. Sorry--- but I just haven't had the words to give you. Not that there's anyone who reads this now.

Emotionally, I've been on the up, which has been good. I can't decide if I'm actually doing better, or if I've just decided that I'm slow and I can't do all the things I think I should. Which may be doing better in and of itself.

Socially, I've been feeling the need to plant my feet. I'm so tired of moving around and getting to know new places and not having a real support system. Things have been moving where if things don't work out in DC, I'll be moving back to Chicago... which'll be really really nice.

School-wise:

Wednesday (tomorrow): Journalism Midterm, television script and corresponding print article

Wednesday (2 weeks, April 7th): Comprehensive Exam: If I don't pass, I don't graduate.

Tuesday (3 weeks, April 13): Seminar Paper Presentations begin

My body is fighting against me.

It's telling me I'm tired even when I eat, sleep, and exercise well.

My laptop is acting funny... and I'm trying not to freak out.

Things'll get done. They have to.

Just cuz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.

- There, There- radiohead.

I'm afraid.

I have an appointment to see a counselor next week.

I hope it helps.

I hope I'm right when I think I need it.

I hope the moment I fork over a $75 check doesn't delegitimize anything.

I am feeling small and unlovely.

i hate my life today.

I'm a horrible human being.

I'm not any better than her.... I keep people around because I want them to tell me I'm going to be ok. Not because I give a shit about who they are as people.

I don't love anyone but myself.

I'm a fuck-up.

I used to say I have only two things about about me that matter:

I work hard,
and I give a shit.

I can't say either of these things anymore.

This is me posting.

Yesterday was dr. MLK day.

I went to chapel. It was the sort of thing that used to fire me up.

Yes. There are people suffering.
Yes. God called us to love and serve the suffering.

.... but I just. can't. bring. myself. to move anymore.

I'm not checking in on Haiti.
I'm not triple checking where my goods come from.

I'm just trying to get through my day with some self-respect.
It's mostly just guilt and shame.

I can't explain this day.

I feel dark, and twisty, and unseen.

I don't ever really feel like 'fixing' a bad day by drinking, but today I did. (Ended up not getting anything to drink tonight.)

I feel ugly and mediocre; and I don't listen to people when they talk. I feel hopeless.

thoughts.

- There is not a single cell within me that chooses good.

- I am tired of my shame> guilt> self-flagellation cycle.

- I just want a piece of self-respect.

- God, I really really need you to come and get me.

I don't really want anyone to ask me about my semester. I don't want to have to explain anything of what I felt, went through, or anything. I don't want to do it because I can't even explain it to myself.

I found myself wanting to pretend as if the whole thing didn't happen.

I don't want anyone to ask me for photographs. Or stories. Or to see my passport.

Shit- is this how I'm supposed to feel? It wasn't even that bad.

I'm f--ked.

I wanna go back to Chicago where people talk to me less and expect less of my emotions.

I hate for this to be so awful.




But I can't fucking stand me anymore.

Woke up at 4:45am today to be at Angkor Wat for sunrise. It seems that I have a habit of leaving my sweater on the days that I'm on the back of open vehicles in the cold. I watched dawn come over the temple sitting on the steps of the old library, surrounded by European and Japanese tourists. One woman kept making comments like "Yeah- that's all. Only every now and then is the sunrise extraordinary." I wandered and asked random people to take my photo.

On my way out, my heart leapt when I heard American accents and found them attached to Asian-American people. Whenever someone asks me where I'm from, their face drops a little into confusion when I say "America"; and I have to explain that my parents are from the Philippines. Which feels weird- having to make that distinction between my parents and I to strangers feels bizarre- as if we aren't really a family because we're from these 2 places. Whenever I say I was born in the States, I want to stop and say "but I grew up in an enclave." I wondered if the group that walked past me felt the same thing.

Being at the ruins makes me wonder about what really lasts, and who will matter in the end. I wonder about what will our buildings look like when the century passes. How will skyscrapers deteriorate? What will the anthropologists say about us? About what kind of people we were? I'm afraid about knowing.

Thankfully, because I went so early, vendors were sparse- and I avoided them for the most part. I also did my best to avoid other tourists. I already walked around feeling like I was intruding. It was refreshing to be in a place without spotlights and red ropes and knowing that Angkor is still a sacred place to many people; but at the same time, whenever I turned a corner to find a broken buddha dressed in gold with incense at its feet, I wouldn't linger for long.

Ta Phrom (the temple with the big trees) was the busiest and felt the most touristy with its guard ropes and wood platforms for photos. I just wished everyone would -leave-; all I wanted was to take a nap at the steps, but that wasn't gonna happen. Beautiful places make me wish there were less people around. Less voices, less shutter clicks. Not that less people would have fixed anything, the renovations being done caused a constant industrial white noise.

By 11, I was exhausted. I came back to the hotel to take care of my bus ticket to Vietnam.

Visas just aren't my friends.

Cambodia REFUSED to give my visa for $20 like I heard is the real price- instead made me pay $32.

Now, turns out the Vietnam visa on arrival is only available if you fly, everyone else has to have their visa processed for 3 days. So, I'm in Siam Reap an extra day than I planned.

I feel resigned to my extra day, but I already want to leave. I can't really take the dust and the noise of Siam Reap right now. My introvert side is showing. I can tell that I'm probably gonna spend a lot of money at cafes, since I can't really spend the $35 to get me back to Angkor for another day. Nor do I really have the energy to go again.

Being here is easier and harder than I thought. I'm letting myself be; I think. I just don't really know how I'm supposed to feel while that happens. But I guess that's the point.

alive.

I'm still alive. Amazingly.

After 2 days with Bryce and Roe in Bangkok and Ayuttya, I made it to Siam Reap, Cambodia. I got swindled out of $30 for a visa and a bus ticket.

Tomorrow is dawn at Angkor Wat.
Tonight is a hot bath and bed.





What is good is so much deeper than what makes us happy or confident.

I need my something- and I'd really like it soon. But- whatever, I'll wait.