linkness.

can't write anything. catching up. too much. 

also, reading american born chinese. wish i had this growing up.

the books I read when I was young:

-what happened to lani garver- carol plum ucci

from the jfk library, before the renovation

-the giver - lois lowry

awakened my love of distopian novels

-speak- laurie halse anderson

when i was in the 8th grade, at the springstowne middle school library. it was on display, on a gray metal shelf that i had to bend down to reach. i saw it from across the room.

-feed - m.t. anderson

i still remember the party scene where the main character cannot handle the new fad of cosmetic lesions, and i get shivers when i get recommendation emails from amazon.

- the grave, james heneghan

7th grade, when the whispers first began of my 'weirdness'

things i love right now:

- make up lite: colored burt's bees wax, soft eye pencils, velvet tuberose body butter, and done eyebrows

- Amy Tan: The Kitchen God's Wife; I can't get over how much I resonate with her portrayal of the Asian Immigrant and Asian American divide

- the fact my portfolio is on its way

- glossy magazines

- watchmen

- current tv

I prayed this once

something in me doesn't want to write out this prayer and make it real.


but Lord,
teach me a joy that doesn't come from being
safe or comfortable,
but one that comes from knowing You are near.
open wide my door, my Lord,
to whatever makes me love You more.

amen.

.... I've never felt so much like I didn't know what I was doing. Or like I wasn't good enough to do anything I want to do.


I don't feel like I was made for/ destined for anything.

Her motivation is unmatched, and she's been this way forever. And me? All I can talk about is how lonely I am, and how badly I wanna go out.

I'm ridiculous.

on stress levels

So... I'm consistently frustrated with myself and my nonmotivation.

but I keep hoping that maybe everyone else is feeling this way and I'm just the only one who says it, and maybe the only one who knows I'm freaking out is me, Beth, and Roe.

Regardless, I kicked my Social Thought tests ass... even if Steinhart didn't give us ridiculous multiple choice answers, I would've kicked it's ass.

Then, I slept through class this morning. ^sigh.

I've never felt so lost and confused.

I was thinking about teaching today. What if I could be heuristically provocative? What if I was that person that prompted thought?

What if I could communicate this way?


I am a fool.