Madam Bovary

... he abandoned every last shred of restraint and consideration. He turned her into something compliant, something corrupt.

-Madam Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert, via Little Children

Things I learned this school year (running post)

i hate to police.

i can only be one thing at one time. student, RA, emotional human being.

i don't transition from role to role quickly.

When I get interrupted from doing one thing, it's hard for me to get back.

I have tendencies to navel-gaze (excessive self absorption).

If I don't start thinking about being somewhere an entire half hour or hour before I have to be somewhere, I will be late.

...this results in my being super early or super late.

i need 10 hours of sleep a night.

When stressed, I will either sleep, spend money or stare off into the distance for hours.

more to come.

what do I do now?

From: go-ed@fh.org

Subject: Go ED. Fall 2009 Notification

Date: May 5, 2009 5:23:36 PM CDT

To: cmmungcal@gmail.com

Reply-To: go-ed@fh.org

Hi Cat,

(This email is the electronic notification of the letter you will receive by mail. Please read this e-mail completely so that you can respond to the action steps at the end.)

Congratulations!

We are pleased to announce that Food for the Hungry has selected you to participate in the Go ED. Mekong Semester Study Abroad Program for Fall 2009.

To confirm your participation in the program please submit the $300.00 program deposit by check to:

Houghton College

Off Campus Programs

One Willard Avenue

CPO 188

Houghton, NY 14744

The deposit is to be submitted to Houghton no later than Friday, May 15, 2009 and will off-set your program fees.

After the deadline date of May 15, 2009, a packet of information will be mailed to you with everything you need to know before your departure for Mekong.

Travel and contact information

In order to secure the lowest airfare possible, we will be booking your flight overseas very soon after the deposit deadline. We will need the following information from you to reserve your ticket:

Name as it appears on your passport.

Passport number.

Issue date.

Expiration date.

If during the summer your address will be different than 3305 West Foster Ave. CPO 2887 please provide the updated address as there will be information mailed to you and we want to ensure that it is received in a timely manner.

Action step: Please reply to this email to provide me with your travel and contact information.

If you have any questions please contact me at go-ed@fh.org or call 1-800-248-6437, ext. 1167.

Blessings,

Donna Bradford

Programs Assistant

Placement Services

Food for the Hungry / U.S.

1224 E. Washington St.

Phoenix, AZ 85034

1-800-248-6437

www.fh.org

my finest misfortune

my finest misfortune- derek webb & sandra mccracken

to the one who's broken, the one who's lost, and waiting for some comfort
wisdom speaks in the darkest parts, but few can understand it
she gives and she takes it away
the sun and the moon, the sky and the rain
her love is just the same

so many questions, so much undone, i am my finest misfortune
who i am and where i was, like a string of weary ambition
but she paints all the rooms with her name
truth or deceit, criminals and saints
her love is just the same

(instrumental)

i cannot sleep, i have a weary head and I'm circling the rafters
above the day, my dreams and debts
oh, i am tumbling after
the wheels spin around in the sand
for better or worse, ruin or fame
her love is just the same


----
beth told me my feelings were valid, but I don't really know what that means. I'd really rather I NOT feel this way. Or that acknowledging these feelings made them go away. I don't want to sit here with this.

When I feel things, I feel them deeply. They dictate the things I do. Whether I sleep all day or not sleep at all.

I don't really believe that I'm gonna get the things I want. I hope it's because there's something better for me. So much better that I can't imagine/fathom them. But I don't really believe that either.

Beginning.

Open wide my door, my LORD.

Open wide my door, my Lord.

Open wide my door, to whatever makes me love you more.

Lord, nows the time.

dear GOD.

I really wanted to go to Thailand.

I'm not really that heartbroken.

I didn't really think I would be going.

But every now and then, there's a real pang:

like when I see anything that says GoED.

Or when people talk about petitioning North Park for credit.

or when I realize I still haven't told Charith.

I want to withdraw my application,

because I don't want to see the cheery little email saying:

'You're accepted!'

and having to decline.

I try not to think about it too hard.

When people ask, I'm honest.

"I need to start realizing I'm not going for real.

I formulated my identity around it,

Around who I was supposed to be after."

It's honest. and it's true.

But I don't think I can handle any questions after that.

Any real questions.

I've hidden all the things that remind me of hot tropical places.

I try to suppress the thoughts of me strolling in markets

of standing at open windows in soft red and purple wrap skirts.

or remembering that this was supposed to be what showed me my purpose.

oh. and it was supposed to be the compromise with my parents.

I could be poor. As long as it was something they could brag about to their friends.

And for all my education, independence, and pretending to be grown up,

I'm still a little child daydreaming of someone who will love me more than anyone else.

I still wish for romance.

for shivers.

for butterflies.

and real kisses.

but more so, I still hope for a man

to walk sleepy and dark roads with me,

to talk Jesus, media, and justice with me,

and who actually actually desires me for real.

I don't really think I'll ever have that. I don't know where such people are.

I hoped he would be in Thailand.

I really don't feel like this should matter.

I really don't want it to.

I'd rather not deal with these things.

I'd rather forget about it.

-me.

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