i kinda wish I was the happier type.

and less afraid.

--

I also wish I didn't have to speak everything I felt. It doesn't relieve the tension in my ribcage.

I try not to regret many things-

but I really really wish I hadn't dropped out of Intro to Journalism.

At the time, I dropped because I knew I had to commit myself to other things. My other classes, to being an RA, to my emotional state. It's true that it was hard for me to do, for me to demand another persons time, for me to assert myself that way, and that fear was a larger factor than I was willing to admit.

I don't know if I'd make a good journalist. Part of me likes to think so.

Must be all this This American Life and that Current Tv.

I met Mike Phillips on the TV version of This American Life. He’s in his upper 20’s, and has been living with a spinal disease that has degenerated his motor skills. This episode of TAL has stuck with me so strongly, that it’s sent me into one of my Input strength binges. After downloading a year’s worth of TAL, I scoured their website. It was on their blog feed that I stumbled upon the link to Mike Phillips blog. The first post I saw was entitled Trache Day: Thinking about Tender Branson- , in which he writes about one of my favorite books Survivor, by Chuck Palhanuik. Automatically drawn to him, I aggregated his feed as well. While I haven’t read most of his writing, really only picking and reading the one’s about his tattoos or the TAL episode, I was surprised to see a 2-line post about taking a hiatus from blogging.

Another post followed the next day saying-

I might be a lot of really awful things, but I’m not stupid. I realized that I’d rather write until all four engines flame out than not. Even if everything I have to write is bad, that’s better than absolutely nothing.- Mike Philips

I feel that too. I keep quitting and starting again- hoping to be better this time around.

So here I am, starting again.

---

I couldn't sleep last night, and I'm having a hard time concentrating today.

But I did a few productivity things, like organizing my Google Reader, and finding that one shortcut. Yes- I know I'm that geeky.

Feeling lonely today, and down about my work. Trying not to let that stop me.

I leave tomorrow for practicum to Lao.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

oh G-d, I'm so afraid.

---

I've realized that I really am influenced by the emotions other people are feeling around me. Something in me always feels like it's my fault.

It used to be that the only thing I was good at was writing and photography.

It seems now I'm no good at either.

Regardless.

-photos from nong tong village on flickr-

I transferred to North Park with one conviction- to learn about poverty. Since my time there, I've learned about racism, feminism, but not global poverty.

I gave up photography- being behind it made me feel distant, and separate, and like I was stealing from someone. I spent a lot of time questioning what good it did- the only people who're interested in photography of development already have seen the best. To them- a photo's just a photo. For everyone else in the western world- they spend most of their days distracted by their lives, and if they really wanted to know what was going on- it's just a few clicks away. A photo's just a photo to them too.

I get scared when I realize that this is still the only thing I'm "good" at. One- because I'm not that good, two- because photography and journalism don't matter anymore.

.... I gave it all up for this education I wanted at North Park- and I still didn't learn what I wanted to learn.

A friend of mine takes beautiful photographs- so beautiful that I kept thinking one of them was done by a professional photographer. She just has a natural eye.

In all this time, in all my trying- I can't do what she does.

But here I am- a week away from an advertising practicum. Going back to this thing I spent years of my life slaving for and then spent the last 2 years trying to forget- I don't have an idea what I'm doing.

The only thing I feel is that I should be better than this.


better driven, a better student, a less selfish friend.

And anger. Because I know- that all I can give is my best, and I can't do that if I spend my days moping.


I just need to get the fuck over this.

still alive

Hi everyone.

I'm still alive. I have lots of papers, and will be writing about the affect of tourism for them all. They're due the 25th. I don't really have enough time.

I'm going to Laos for my practicum... to create promotional brochures for a bi-vocational school. With Laos for the practicum, and Vietnam after the program- I just need to get to Cambodia and I'll have visited the entire Mekong Region. Pretty sweet.

I don't really know what it is- but my back is starting to hurt.