Things I've Learned Today

My circle of friends has changed every year; and I've had intense short relationships all through college.

Throughout this Thing, I've laid all of myself upon the one person who's been a strength source these past years. As God has grown more and more distant, and as I realized that most of my relationships are short, I've relied more and more on this person to help me deal with the Thing.

But no one person was meant to carry that burden.

So, I've resolved myself to be more intentional about the relationships around me, even if they're short. Not out of penance, but because they're good for me-and good for us. Hopefully, they won't all be so short. Hopefully, it'll bring me out of my navel gazing long enough to be less destructive.

L--d, come quickly; but thanks for today- it was better than yesterday.

I don't live in a lifeboat.

I don't have to self-flaggelate.

I don't have to pay penance.

I am loved.

I am liked.

I don't have to work for it.

People can handle me. I am not too much.

life boat.

how sad.

how sad that I only feel loved when I'm loved -more- than someone else.

when I'm special.

There's nothing in that but oppression.

.... but that's not who I am or what I'm about or who I believe God is.

L--d, please come quickly. I'm a real fucking mess.

But thanks for today, it was better than yesterday.

-I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.- Rumi, 'whoever brought me here'

I'm afraid of what will happen when I let down my guard, if I let myself relax.

I'm afraid of all the ugliness that'll appear when I'm not watching it.

Made a scene today. Cried my way through my refusal to go to Dr. Amnuay's tonight.

Had my back to the room, but I'm pretty sure there were 5 or 6 people standing there.

I can't f--king stand me.

I'm allowed to be f--ked up, I'm just not allowed to show.

Today's one of those days when I have to will myself to keep breathing.

i'm just a little cup pretending to be a river.