from january 6, 2009

"I have no idea how to fix me. And for all my education, independence, and pretending to be grown up, I'm still a little child daydreaming of someone who will love her more than anyone else."

- january 6, 2009.

getting off the grind.

I'm destroying myself.

I have been all year.

I'm confused, lost, but I remember days when I wasn't. And if there was a time when I didn't feel lost and confused, then isn't it my job to get back to where ever that place was?

So I spend days where I walk around and the only thought I have is "there is something deeply deeply wrong with me". Then I snap, desperate for someone, anyone to tell me I'm wrong, that somewhere, deep deep down, is something good, something worth loving.

since i've had my bicycle, i've experienced more joy in the past few weeks than I have in the whole year. Simply because I'm moving and leaving the rut behind...

I peddled hard coming home, just to feel like I was moving.

and then I renamed this blog 'movement, movement.'

most days.

most days. i hate everything. especially myself.

except the bike ride to work. it's beautiful and green.

"I got a message for you, boy, but it seem I was never on time" or, "Lamentations on my Singleness"

I can't really say that I really want to be married. Words like "wedding" "bride" "husband" feel like a foreign language that I will never ever wraps my tongue or my mind around.

But I have always, always, always wanted to be in a committed relationship. I have always wanted to give love and be loved in a quiet, lifelong, life giving sort of way.

It's a desire that runs so deep I can barely put any of it in words. I can only describe the way my stomach tightens and my blood seems to hum in my veins.

It's a legitimate thing. At least that's what I tell myself.

Lately tho, I just wanna be free of it.

I just wanna remember that really; I don't need to be loved or love someone that way. And not in a i-have-to-love-myself-before-i-can-love-someone-else kind of way, either. Just plain- I'd be content if I never dated or fell 'in love' with another person ever again.

I wanna get to that point.

I bought a used copy of Aperture 2 today, a professional photo editing program.

I don't know why I feel so afraid.

In other news, I'm learning to give names to the real things I feel; and be honest about my intentions.

like: Actually, I don't want to call him to see how his day was, I really want to vent about my parents and eventually have him validate me.

I'm not sure what good it's doing yet- but I like it.

secret

secret of the easy yoke - pedro the lion

i could hear the church bells ringing

they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still

---

every time I hear this song, i have to play it over and over again.

Madam Bovary

... he abandoned every last shred of restraint and consideration. He turned her into something compliant, something corrupt.

-Madam Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert, via Little Children