a change gonna come.

This past Thanksgiving weekend I realized that all semester I've been depressed.
Of course there are good/great days; but I'm mainly pushing upstream.

I know it's completely irrational, but depression by definition is irrational.

It's been characterized by:
a feeling of deep loneliness that isn't remedied by the presence of others
a hate of being physically alone
recurring anxiety that's like someone bound up my heart and dropped in in my stomach
a lack of motivation to do anything, school, work, eat, or even call others
the constant recurring thought that "there's something inherently wrong with me"
an un-satisfaction with who I am and who I am becoming
a disconnect between who I say I am and who I practice to be

It might just be this semester, and it may be over soon...maybe all I need is to do work that I want to be doing, like volunteering with common threads where I teach kids to cook and eat well, and doing classes where I can get a real handle on nursing (anatomy) and a real grasp of what I wanted from sociology (practicum and US impact in the global world). ^crosses fingers.

If things go as planned (which they usually don't) all I'll need is to reconcile my sexuality and get into GoEd and find a Bay Area nursing program. And I'm all good! ^sarcastic fist pump.

I've never wanted to move back home as much as I do right now; which is funny, because it won't make me feel better.

...I'm going to bed.

breathe.

I'm feeling the pressure of the end of the semester.
I feel really lonely at night and it paralyzes me from doing anything productive.
(Not that I don't feel that way during the day, or that any work gets done then.)
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a semester abroad if I'm going to meet all my requirements for UC.
(or pass this semester at the rate I'm going)

I'm just doing the best I can right now.


... Really. I promise.

On Giving Up

Peter Hong at New Community Church always says the reason Christians always fall into religion is unconditional Love and Grace could ask you to give up anything.

I know that deep deep down, my problem is that I love God's cause and not God Herself; but I'm hesitating.

Cuz there are so many things I don't want to give up.

Like my silly search for a man to love me.
Like my politics.
Like my hidden materialism.
Like all the things that I say I believe in but don't do in real life.

Now, I know that God would never ask of me things I don't already need to let go of, I just know it's going to be difficult. I hate to be told I'm wrong.

I can already feel it.

We just have to hope that God respects our struggle to follow His/Her will.

"Isn't that what someone wise once told me?"
"I don't feel like that person right now."
"That doesn't really matter. You are."

Shadows Prove the Sunshine

I was told today that I can't go to Thailand.
I'm going to push hard if I want to go.
It'd be worth it if I did; and I will.
But today I feel rejected.
I'm having a difficult time sitting and waiting.

----------

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain well
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light where
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me

Shine on me,
Let my Shadows prove the sunshine.

-Shadows Prove the Sunshine; Switchfoot.

A New Redemption Song

Lord, we need a new redemption song.
Lord, we've tried, it just seems to come out wrong.
Won't you help us, please, help us just to sing along.
A new redemption song, A new redemption song.

Lord, we need a new redemption day.
All our worries keep getting in the way.
Won't you help us please, help us find the words to pray.
To bring Redemption day, To bring redemption day.
-A New Redemption Song, Over the Rhine

I can't really take my mental state right now.
I can't describe it other than a deep loneliness,
And a deep knowledge that I don't like who I'm becoming.

that tightness in my chest

I walk beside myself, knowing this isn't where I belong.
Missing a place I have yet to have been.

When I tried to explain, he asked if I was thinking about transferring.
He didn't get it.

That's not the point.
It's not so much about where I am, but who I am.

Do You Remember?

It hits me like a brick wall,
do you remember?
do you remember why I brought you here?

The whole reason I came to NPU was to learn about poverty, a poverty I came face to face with in the PI. And instead I've gotten swept up in dreams for a gentrified high rise and underground organic night clubs.

LORD, I remember. Help me get there.

I still don't know my place. I still don't know what I'm doing.
LORD, please help me. Please make this clear.

I still wanna move to the Philippines, don't I?
I still wanna work with women, don't I?
I still wanna do photography, right?

It's the right thing for me to go into nursing, isn't it?
It allows me to work in a system, which is good, because I knew I need to be guided, that I can't be alone pioneering this. It's micro work, which is both good and bad; it enables me to be human with each person, but will being human with each person force me into an emotional black hole? It can also translate into macro work through questions like 'What are the demographics of people I serve? Why is that? How can we make this more available?"

LORD, I remember I have a purpose. But if You could just let me know, that'd be great.

why...

am I so lonely, all the damn time?

President Elect Barack Obama

My Dad used to always say to me, "Chris, I could never become President. But you, you were born here. You could become President." I used to hate it. I used to feel like he was being bossy and projecting on me.
But it's just like my fear to apply to the UC's when I first graduated. I had internalized that I could never be 'great', that I wasn't smart enough, that I just wasn't good enough to be President.

But last night, watching an immigrant's son become President Elect, and knowing that my little vote helped make that happen, I realized that I am great. And that anything I decide to do, I will be great.

And that by realizing my greatness, I am taking my steps towards who God called me to be and my place in the Kingdom.

And I'm proud to say that I'm doing it at this point in history where Obama is President.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; "I Have Been To the Mountaintop"

decisions about abortion

So, I've decided that I do wanna specialize in Women's Health, even if that means being a midwife, because this norm that says it's alright to talk about sex but not alright to talk about sexual health is nothing but destructive to me.

I also validate the fact that sex, is really about being connected to, and intimate with, another person, and family, child birthing and rearing is another way that happens.

But I really have to tackle a few things if I'm really serious about this; I have to become definitive about what I believe about pre-marital sex and abortion.


... and this post is WAY too big for me right now.