i love, you love.

my dad bought the john legend album for one song that sampled a dire straits song.
it breaks my heart every time i listen to it. It's really beautiful.


---

I'm having a very difficult time reigning myself in, and keeping myself in check.

I'm really lonely. It makes me want things I don't really want. Or misplace desires for what I really want.
^eyeroll. something like that.

feelings.

I feel restless.
I feel tired.
I feel unsatisfied.
I feel lonely.
I feel lust.
I feel irritation.

I'm on duty tonight, and Beth's gone all weekend. :[ what will I do?

present-ness.

Today's chapel was based on the Incarnation and Christ's call for us to be incarnate with each other. I am very bad at this. Right now, I'm typing this in anatomy class where I should be learning about cells.

Chapel today has reminded me of why I continually struggle being in/wanting to be in media. Above all things, I want to value people the most. And if what I want to do/ or am best at conflicts with that value, it needs to go.

But I suppose, I just need to get it under control. Making sure it doesn't conflict with being people. Like being able to leave my phone at home; to make sure every photo I take is meant for something and not my facebook/myspace.

Struggle.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9

"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord."
Acts 3:19

Please, Lord, be faithful. I've told everything and I've never been more sorry, all I want now is to let this go.

bad decisions.

I reached for the chest of his blue plaid shirt, feeling the material between my fingers, as he leaned toward me and touched his lips to mine.

I shouldn't have. We shouldn't have.

I hate myself that I did. That I was being selfish and careless. That, even now, knowing better, I still want it.

The only thing I want right now is to not want the things I don't really want. Apparently, that starts with learning to forgive myself for what happened. But what happened is just a manifestation of what's wrong with my character, my selfishness, my lack of self control, my likelihood to settle for less, and all these things I can't forgive.

So, how do I forgive myself for what happened but not dismiss these very serious and dangerous flaws? [Because it's happened TWICE now... kissing men I don't really want to create this kind of connection to.]

Lord, please help. How am I supposed to DO this? I have no idea how to fix me. And for all my education, independence, and pretending to be grown up, I'm still a little child daydreaming of someone who will love her more than anyone else.