bad decisions.

I reached for the chest of his blue plaid shirt, feeling the material between my fingers, as he leaned toward me and touched his lips to mine.

I shouldn't have. We shouldn't have.

I hate myself that I did. That I was being selfish and careless. That, even now, knowing better, I still want it.

The only thing I want right now is to not want the things I don't really want. Apparently, that starts with learning to forgive myself for what happened. But what happened is just a manifestation of what's wrong with my character, my selfishness, my lack of self control, my likelihood to settle for less, and all these things I can't forgive.

So, how do I forgive myself for what happened but not dismiss these very serious and dangerous flaws? [Because it's happened TWICE now... kissing men I don't really want to create this kind of connection to.]

Lord, please help. How am I supposed to DO this? I have no idea how to fix me. And for all my education, independence, and pretending to be grown up, I'm still a little child daydreaming of someone who will love her more than anyone else.