a change gonna come.

This past Thanksgiving weekend I realized that all semester I've been depressed.
Of course there are good/great days; but I'm mainly pushing upstream.

I know it's completely irrational, but depression by definition is irrational.

It's been characterized by:
a feeling of deep loneliness that isn't remedied by the presence of others
a hate of being physically alone
recurring anxiety that's like someone bound up my heart and dropped in in my stomach
a lack of motivation to do anything, school, work, eat, or even call others
the constant recurring thought that "there's something inherently wrong with me"
an un-satisfaction with who I am and who I am becoming
a disconnect between who I say I am and who I practice to be

It might just be this semester, and it may be over soon...maybe all I need is to do work that I want to be doing, like volunteering with common threads where I teach kids to cook and eat well, and doing classes where I can get a real handle on nursing (anatomy) and a real grasp of what I wanted from sociology (practicum and US impact in the global world). ^crosses fingers.

If things go as planned (which they usually don't) all I'll need is to reconcile my sexuality and get into GoEd and find a Bay Area nursing program. And I'm all good! ^sarcastic fist pump.

I've never wanted to move back home as much as I do right now; which is funny, because it won't make me feel better.

...I'm going to bed.