from january 6, 2009

"I have no idea how to fix me. And for all my education, independence, and pretending to be grown up, I'm still a little child daydreaming of someone who will love her more than anyone else."

- january 6, 2009.

getting off the grind.

I'm destroying myself.

I have been all year.

I'm confused, lost, but I remember days when I wasn't. And if there was a time when I didn't feel lost and confused, then isn't it my job to get back to where ever that place was?

So I spend days where I walk around and the only thought I have is "there is something deeply deeply wrong with me". Then I snap, desperate for someone, anyone to tell me I'm wrong, that somewhere, deep deep down, is something good, something worth loving.

since i've had my bicycle, i've experienced more joy in the past few weeks than I have in the whole year. Simply because I'm moving and leaving the rut behind...

I peddled hard coming home, just to feel like I was moving.

and then I renamed this blog 'movement, movement.'

most days.

most days. i hate everything. especially myself.

except the bike ride to work. it's beautiful and green.