quick post

got bitten by a bug last night. this is what my lip looks like.

it would happen my first day of class.

'how..?'

It's 5:30AM in San Francisco, and 7:30PM in Chiang Mai. I'm trying to stay up at least till 9 to beat the jet lag. So I'm blogging.

It's hot. My ankles are HUGE from the 16 hour flight. And bugs are not only trying to eat me, but are trying to crawl into our keyboards and eat our processors.

But how can any of that matter when the view outside my bedroom window looks like this:

yes, I promise you. It is really that green.

The only thing I've been able to say these past hours is 'how is this where I live?'

waiting in the Bangkok airport where the walls are glass and the sun is rising through the clouds

walking around the green green compound of the Agriculture and Theology school run by the Thai-Lahu Christian Church

inhaling curry noodles with lime and glasses of thai ice tea

getting jostled around in the backseat of a 9 seater van, touring the city to see where my classes will be, loving the stores full of clothes and open front bars

finding out that a Harvard prof will be teaching our exclusion class, and will be taking us to Burma on a field trip

'how is this where i live?'

but really, on the inside, what I really really wanna know is how could I live here? How could someone like me, afraid, selfish, and lazy, live somewhere like this. with these wonderful, wonderful people. (people like the girls who bought me cake in the terminal, and to Julia and Kenny who found tiny sweet cute things to sing to me on my birthday)

but I'm here. And because I'm re-learning what it means to trust God and what S/He says about me, I'm trying to believe that I was hand-picked to be here. From the beginning of time, I was meant to be here right now.

I don't really believe it. But I'm trying.

-I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.- Rumi, 'whoever brought me here'

On leaving.

Today's the day.

It's taken so long to get here.

Not that I really had many to begin with, but this is where all my expectations ends.

Time to get down.

on food

I haven't cooked food in a long time.

Maybe that's what got me about being an RA- all I wanted to do was cook and bake for my residents, and I never had the time. Or I found myself too emotionally exhausted.

Last night I made homemade guacamole and elotes (grilled corn, mayo, cheese and spices) to have with hot dogs, and it was awesome.

At that moment, I was really grateful for my parents big expensive deck and fancy backyard... because being and eating with ashley, my cousins, and Erika was the best time I've had in a while.

yes. That was a good idea.

shake the dust

"do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day,and there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean."

"so when the world knocks at your front door,

clench the knob tightly and open on up;

running forward into its wide-spread greeting arms

with your hands before you-

fingertips trembling though they may be."

i hate myself right now.