i should be happy. 

i should be excited.

i should be motivated.

all i wanna do is sleep. 

i feel all wrong. 

new house.

My parents bought a big ass house. 

I just feel conflicted. 

passion.

when I think about it, I will always be passionate about photography.
schell says I need to get over my insecurities and just allow it to be.
and I really wanna do that.
But I still remember how I felt, not having a skill to offer them, and then asking them if it was ok for me to intrude on their daily lives.

And when I think about it, I don't even feel like I have a cause.

...no cause, no skill, just me and my love for pictures.

End of Finals Week: getting here from there

"I know where I was and I know where I am now, and you just can't get here from there."
-Anne Lamott

I thought my Race and Ethnicity final was a day earlier than it was. I got an extra day. That 24 hours made all the difference. I found myself wanting things and people I didn't REALLY want; and I realized that, even though, yes, I have been one step forward and 2 steps back, God has constantly through grace has picked me up and has transported me flights and flights up.

So, I'm still moving and changing, I just don't 'feel' like it. But I'm hopeful.
I met with Dr. Hostetter, and he's ready to back us for Go-ED.
I'm hopeful about this too.

Advent: Week 2 (a week behind)

Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

-Isaiah 40 1-2

5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?

6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?

7 Show us your unfailing love, LORD,
and grant us your salvation.

8 I will listen to what God the LORD says;
he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants—
but let them not turn to folly.

9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.

-Psalm 85:5-9

Advent week 3

Stir up your power, O Lord, and with great might come among us; and, because we are sorely hindered by our sins, let your bountiful grace and mercy speedily help and deliver us; through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory, now and for ever. Amen.

-Book of Common Prayer

22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the work of their hands.

23 They will not labor in vain,
nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.

Isiah 65: 22-23

3 wishes.

1) to pass this semester.
2)For the school to approve me studying abroad through FH next fall.
3) to meet someone worth my attention

advent week one.

So, I'm 'doing' Advent this year. Which essentially means that along with my church, New Community, I'm going to be reading a set of scriptures each day as a time of reflection to prepare for Christmas.

Because Christmas is still about God coming to be in this mess with us.

And it's be really awesome if I could see God in my mess being with me.

So from that:

Behold, you were angry, and we sinned; in our sins we have been a long time, and shall we be saved.
There is no one who calls upon your name, who rouses himself to take hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us, and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities.
Be not so terribly angry, O Lord, and remember not iniquity forever. Behold, please look, we are all your people.
Will you keep silent, and afflict us so terribly?
-Pieces of Isaiah 64

Restore us, O God; let your face shine, that we may be saved.
O Lord God of hosts, how long will you be angry with your people's prayers?
You have fed them with the bread of tears, and given them tears to drink in full measure.
Restore us, o God of hosts, let your face shine, that we may be saved.
Turn again, O God of hosts! Look down and see; have regard for this vine, the stock that your right hand planted, and for the son whom you made strong for yourself.
But let your hand be on on the man of your right hand, the son of man whom you have made strong for yourself!
Then we shall not turn back from you; give us life, and we will call upon your name!
Restore us, O Lord God of hots! let your face shine, that we may be saved.
-Psalm 80

I really feel this way... that God is hiding from me, that God is being distant on purpose; or that I'm lost with no way back.... I'm comforted to know I'm not the only one; and that God hears me (these prayers wouldn't be included if God didn't). The next scripture is John 1; which is all about Jesus being God and Jesus coming to earth... and I know that JesusGod is God's answer to these prayers. And I know that it's the Holy Spirit's job to make Christ's love real in our hearts and minds.
So it all goes back to me waiting on and listening what the Holy Spirit is telling me.
....and I still feel like all I've ever done is wait and listening... and nothing.
Saying 'Well, God's timing is God's timing" sound frustrating and trite.
But I'm going to wait and listen and hope.

finals week

This week, I have 2 presentations, 2 papers due, and 3 finals.
And my nose is stuffed. (Makes infant face)

At least by tomorrow morning, one presentation will be finished.

I know that my life right now is going down hill because I don't know, don't trust, don't believe in a good God.
Peter Hong says that as Christians we don't believe in a good, gracious God, because a truly unconditionally loving God, could ask us to give up anything.
I ask Colby what I'm afraid to give up, because I feel like I've given up everything. Colby says control. Everyone needs control over their life. He says I should consider praying for a mentor. I straight laughed.
I've been thinking why I laughed. And it's because almost everything I've ever done, I've done on my own. There's the task at the beginning, and the judgment at the end. The only word I get from someone higher has been either "Good" or "Not good enough." And if anything's not good enough, it's because I didn't work hard enough, because I was too lazy, because I chose not to invest my all.
So the idea of giving up control does not sit well with me. Because if things do not go "well" it's my fault. It's because of my inefficiencies and short comings.

But I suppose with God there is no 'going well' or 'not going well', no 'good' or 'not good enough'. Maybe all there is is 'in God's will' or 'not'.

Lord, where ever You are, help me get there.

:| whenever I think of God's will, I think of putting other above myself; which I know I haven't been very good at doing.... but it comes back to what I'm doing wrong and being in control still.

I've been thinking a lot about nursing. The idea of doing it is exciting... but it's still just an option. That's all... just the way I've rationalized the dilemmas I've run into.

Lord, please help.