random post

Not much has happened lately; I still suck at school and Roe is back online in Rwanda.
We got to talk, and I once again feel affirmed in her love. ^_^.

I guess I just had to come to terms with myself. I am constantly in competition with someone for everything; better hair, "better" morals, the more asskicking school work, "more indie" music, "least likely to care about appearance".
And that just needs to quit. I just need to let my hair grow out and realize that I think and understand the world macro, but my methods have always been much more micro.
I just had to come to terms with myself.







I'm with a boy. I like him a lot. And he likes me too.
see, flat noses are nice, because they don't get all smashed up when you try to kiss somebody (-The Debut)

selling out.

The mission is still to move overseas.
....but am I bailing?
Roe called me out.
"You had full potential to be a great media coordinator/editor. But you're becoming a nurse."

Am I selling out because I want to do medicine?

For a long time, it was Roe and I, 2 sociologists against the world. Now, I'm the one that bailed.

I'm the one that bailed.

"about a nurse" insomnia post

May at About a Nurse blog wrote a post about the difficulty of being too busy as a nurse that it makes it difficult to actually be there for any of your patients.

Yes, I want to be a nurse, but I have to be ready to understand my own limits.

I don't know what I want.

Do I really wanna do a Master's in Nursing?
For the prestige?
Because all I've ever wanted was to know if I was good enough for the UC's?

Is it ok that what I really want is to see if I can do it?
because I really think I can.

^sigh.

I know that want to be a nurse, that I wanna see patients get better, that I want to be useful when I decide to move internationally; I also know that I wanna move back to the Bay; that I want to be with my family; and I want to be good enough to get into UC.



I signed my email Christina Mungcal today; I did it for the MEPN emails.... I'm not quite sure what I want that to mean.
I haven't done laundry in forever.

"I'm just being practical right now."

Beth introduced me to Gerard, a pinoy she works with who introduced me to a bunch of other filipinas, and we studied together for a few hours yesterday. EVERYONE is a nursing major. EVERYONE.

I was talking to Ate May's sister, Myra, and when I asked her if she was in nursing she nodded, "Yes, I'm just being practical right now."
And I remembered why I didn't want to do nursing in the first place; because there are SO many pin@ys are doing it because it's in high demand and they'll get paid well. And I wonder if they have enough love and sympathy for their patients.

I'm probably judging. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Filipin@s make fantastic nurses.

I'm probably only upset because I don't know if I'm good enough.

I was thinking about getting my reference letters; and I have NO idea where I would get them from.
Stienhart
Nedilsky
Alani?
And who else?

And if they tell the truth... do I want them to write it?

My biggest question is still about whether or not I want to be a Nurse Practitioner. Shouldn't I just get my RN first? And just try it out first?
Am I being sensible or just afraid?

I didn't apply to the UC system. I didn't finish my CSU applications. I had internalized my fear and then projected it out that I didn't "need it." I was so afraid of their rejection, I refused to apply. I don't want to be afraid this time.

I sent an informational email to the program. I have to do my GRE this summer. I have to decide a specialty before I apply.
I'm so afraid.

fear and UCSF MEPN

I told Dad last night. He's really excited. (He should be. He and Mom are also back together!)
He suggested UCSF because they have an accelerated one year program, and I went and looked it up.
But it's not a one year. Well it is, sort of, I am eligible to take my NCLEX (RN exam) in a year, but after that I have 2 years to specialize in a Nursing Master's degree. It's called the MEPN; Master's Entry Program in Nursing.

I have three really awesome options to specialize in:
midwifery/women's health
trauma
advanced community health and international nursing

INTERNATIONAL NURSING.

When I found out I freaked out, I called Dad and went a little nuts. I decided I wanted to be a nurse 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago! And now I find out that I have to be a specialist! SPECIALTY means leadership! When I graduate they'll make me the head of something! That's SO scary! SO FRIGHTENING. I'm too afraid I don't want this. I'm too afraid to want this. I know FANTASTIC people who do nursing, and how do I be amazing like that? And Dad pegged it, dead on. He knew that I was afraid of this opportunity.

Not only that, but I have exactly ONE YEAR to know if I wanna do this. ONE YEAR to choose a specialty and APPLY. ONE YEAR.

I don't think I'm good enough.


but I want to try anyway.

inclusion and exclusion.

Today, Beth introduced me to Gerard, a Filipino she works with, and I got to meet 4 other people who look and sound like I do. ^_^. They were appalled that I had spent 2 years here and haven't met any other Filipinos and proceeded to go through the yearbook page by page and pointing out all the Filipinos. It was great. I have an Ate here at NPU! ^_^.


I sent Charles an article today from Racialicious... and it's amazing what the word 'overbearing' does to me. Not that he isn't right. In my effort to make him feel understood, I said the wrong things.

getting back.

I don't know when I started slacking off.
When I stopped reading my class material; when I stopped organizing my papers; stopped calendaring; started leaving my shit everywhere; or leaving dishes around the place; and it's culminated in losing the Dialogue attendance sheet TWICE.

This is my ONLY CONSISTENT RESPONSIBILITY as a PAA and I lost it. TWICE.

Come on, get it together. All I really have to offer is my organization and hard work; if I can't do that. There's no point.

-edit-
AND I have a test in Research Methods on Monday; way to go. I haven't even read any of the chapters since the last test.
This is not ok.


Walang ligaya sa lupa na hindi dinilig ng luha.
There is no earthly bliss not watered by tears.

always

I have always wanted to heal.
I just never knew how that was going to happen.
I still don't know.

Lord, please help me.

another sleepless night.

I can't sleep.
I'm watching episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy instead.
lol. The last time I stayed up all night I wanted to be a graphic designer; the time before that it was food blogging.
:/ And none of that lasted.
So who says this will?


Well, regardless, I love Grey's Anatomy. ^_^.
Racial diversity, Plus-size women, interracial relationships, wrinkles... all those human things we pretend don't exist (and sometimes we refuse to allow to exist).

running

Have I been running this whole time?

I've fought my whole life to not do medicine.
And here I am considering being a sociology/nursing double major.
If I do this, I will be at North Park for another 3 years.

I remember being at the Mother Teresa orphanage for mentally disabled children and how I was completely immobile during it. I refused to touch anyone or come near anyone because I felt if I have nothing to offer, nothing to help heal I had no business being there.

I don't know if this is a good idea. I'm afraid of sickness. I'm afraid of people dying.
Do I think just because I know how to wrap a bandage it's is going to curb my fear of wounds?

:/ I do know that when I do see sickness, all I can think is you should not be this way.

Lord, if this is an impulse, please take it away.

a brick wall

It hit me like a brick wall yesterday,
do you remember?
do you remember why I brought you here?