Did I try hard enough?
What if I didn't?

Saturday. April 17.

I woke up early. I showered. I came to Starbucks because it's walkable and I spent waaay too much money at Kopi's earlier this week.

Starbucks reeks of high school. Of skipped classes and stolen time. It feels like the time I spent trying to be someone else. That's the real reason I don't like coming. Not because of the bad politics and worse coffee (burnt!!), but because I remember watching her sit there, the small passionfruit ice tea between us, wishing I could be more like her. Funnier. Cuter.

I'm done with this unnecessary association. I'm done wishing I were someone else.

There are much, much bigger things to wish for.

Bad Pictures of My Roommates

These are my roommates.

This is Starbucks I went to this morning.

SAM

New sticker!

I love Secret Asian Man. Comics + Stereotype Breaking + Dear-Anti-Racist,-Don't-Be-So-Serious= Awesome.

Comps Morning

I have taken 12 official Sociology courses:

Intro to Sociology

Sociology of Religion

Social Problems

Social Thought

Social Stratification

Global Impact: US in the World

Race and Ethnicity

Practicum in Sociology

Research Methods

Seminar in Sociology

Social Context in Community Development (with the wonderful Dwight Jackson)

And 3 courses that were very similar to Sociology:

Intro to Communications

Intro to Conflict Transformation

Intro to Women's Studies

All emotional craziness and paralyzing fear aside, I have prepared to the best of my ability.

I live and breathe this.

I will pass this test.

I feel like Easter finally came for me.

Two days late, but a Resurrection Day nonetheless.

sigh. First time in a long time that I've written anything. Sorry--- but I just haven't had the words to give you. Not that there's anyone who reads this now.

Emotionally, I've been on the up, which has been good. I can't decide if I'm actually doing better, or if I've just decided that I'm slow and I can't do all the things I think I should. Which may be doing better in and of itself.

Socially, I've been feeling the need to plant my feet. I'm so tired of moving around and getting to know new places and not having a real support system. Things have been moving where if things don't work out in DC, I'll be moving back to Chicago... which'll be really really nice.

School-wise:

Wednesday (tomorrow): Journalism Midterm, television script and corresponding print article

Wednesday (2 weeks, April 7th): Comprehensive Exam: If I don't pass, I don't graduate.

Tuesday (3 weeks, April 13): Seminar Paper Presentations begin

My body is fighting against me.

It's telling me I'm tired even when I eat, sleep, and exercise well.

My laptop is acting funny... and I'm trying not to freak out.

Things'll get done. They have to.

Just cuz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.

- There, There- radiohead.

I'm afraid.

I have an appointment to see a counselor next week.

I hope it helps.

I hope I'm right when I think I need it.

I hope the moment I fork over a $75 check doesn't delegitimize anything.

I am feeling small and unlovely.

i hate my life today.

I'm a horrible human being.

I'm not any better than her.... I keep people around because I want them to tell me I'm going to be ok. Not because I give a shit about who they are as people.

I don't love anyone but myself.

I'm a fuck-up.

I used to say I have only two things about about me that matter:

I work hard,
and I give a shit.

I can't say either of these things anymore.

This is me posting.

Yesterday was dr. MLK day.

I went to chapel. It was the sort of thing that used to fire me up.

Yes. There are people suffering.
Yes. God called us to love and serve the suffering.

.... but I just. can't. bring. myself. to move anymore.

I'm not checking in on Haiti.
I'm not triple checking where my goods come from.

I'm just trying to get through my day with some self-respect.
It's mostly just guilt and shame.