"I got a message for you, boy, but it seem I was never on time" or, "Lamentations on my Singleness"

I can't really say that I really want to be married. Words like "wedding" "bride" "husband" feel like a foreign language that I will never ever wraps my tongue or my mind around.

But I have always, always, always wanted to be in a committed relationship. I have always wanted to give love and be loved in a quiet, lifelong, life giving sort of way.

It's a desire that runs so deep I can barely put any of it in words. I can only describe the way my stomach tightens and my blood seems to hum in my veins.

It's a legitimate thing. At least that's what I tell myself.

Lately tho, I just wanna be free of it.

I just wanna remember that really; I don't need to be loved or love someone that way. And not in a i-have-to-love-myself-before-i-can-love-someone-else kind of way, either. Just plain- I'd be content if I never dated or fell 'in love' with another person ever again.

I wanna get to that point.

I bought a used copy of Aperture 2 today, a professional photo editing program.

I don't know why I feel so afraid.

In other news, I'm learning to give names to the real things I feel; and be honest about my intentions.

like: Actually, I don't want to call him to see how his day was, I really want to vent about my parents and eventually have him validate me.

I'm not sure what good it's doing yet- but I like it.