I leave tomorrow for practicum to Lao.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

oh G-d, I'm so afraid.

---

I've realized that I really am influenced by the emotions other people are feeling around me. Something in me always feels like it's my fault.

It used to be that the only thing I was good at was writing and photography.

It seems now I'm no good at either.

Regardless.

-photos from nong tong village on flickr-

I transferred to North Park with one conviction- to learn about poverty. Since my time there, I've learned about racism, feminism, but not global poverty.

I gave up photography- being behind it made me feel distant, and separate, and like I was stealing from someone. I spent a lot of time questioning what good it did- the only people who're interested in photography of development already have seen the best. To them- a photo's just a photo. For everyone else in the western world- they spend most of their days distracted by their lives, and if they really wanted to know what was going on- it's just a few clicks away. A photo's just a photo to them too.

I get scared when I realize that this is still the only thing I'm "good" at. One- because I'm not that good, two- because photography and journalism don't matter anymore.

.... I gave it all up for this education I wanted at North Park- and I still didn't learn what I wanted to learn.

A friend of mine takes beautiful photographs- so beautiful that I kept thinking one of them was done by a professional photographer. She just has a natural eye.

In all this time, in all my trying- I can't do what she does.

But here I am- a week away from an advertising practicum. Going back to this thing I spent years of my life slaving for and then spent the last 2 years trying to forget- I don't have an idea what I'm doing.

The only thing I feel is that I should be better than this.


better driven, a better student, a less selfish friend.

And anger. Because I know- that all I can give is my best, and I can't do that if I spend my days moping.


I just need to get the fuck over this.

still alive

Hi everyone.

I'm still alive. I have lots of papers, and will be writing about the affect of tourism for them all. They're due the 25th. I don't really have enough time.

I'm going to Laos for my practicum... to create promotional brochures for a bi-vocational school. With Laos for the practicum, and Vietnam after the program- I just need to get to Cambodia and I'll have visited the entire Mekong Region. Pretty sweet.

I don't really know what it is- but my back is starting to hurt.