Woke up at 4:45am today to be at Angkor Wat for sunrise. It seems that I have a habit of leaving my sweater on the days that I'm on the back of open vehicles in the cold. I watched dawn come over the temple sitting on the steps of the old library, surrounded by European and Japanese tourists. One woman kept making comments like "Yeah- that's all. Only every now and then is the sunrise extraordinary." I wandered and asked random people to take my photo.

On my way out, my heart leapt when I heard American accents and found them attached to Asian-American people. Whenever someone asks me where I'm from, their face drops a little into confusion when I say "America"; and I have to explain that my parents are from the Philippines. Which feels weird- having to make that distinction between my parents and I to strangers feels bizarre- as if we aren't really a family because we're from these 2 places. Whenever I say I was born in the States, I want to stop and say "but I grew up in an enclave." I wondered if the group that walked past me felt the same thing.

Being at the ruins makes me wonder about what really lasts, and who will matter in the end. I wonder about what will our buildings look like when the century passes. How will skyscrapers deteriorate? What will the anthropologists say about us? About what kind of people we were? I'm afraid about knowing.

Thankfully, because I went so early, vendors were sparse- and I avoided them for the most part. I also did my best to avoid other tourists. I already walked around feeling like I was intruding. It was refreshing to be in a place without spotlights and red ropes and knowing that Angkor is still a sacred place to many people; but at the same time, whenever I turned a corner to find a broken buddha dressed in gold with incense at its feet, I wouldn't linger for long.

Ta Phrom (the temple with the big trees) was the busiest and felt the most touristy with its guard ropes and wood platforms for photos. I just wished everyone would -leave-; all I wanted was to take a nap at the steps, but that wasn't gonna happen. Beautiful places make me wish there were less people around. Less voices, less shutter clicks. Not that less people would have fixed anything, the renovations being done caused a constant industrial white noise.

By 11, I was exhausted. I came back to the hotel to take care of my bus ticket to Vietnam.

Visas just aren't my friends.

Cambodia REFUSED to give my visa for $20 like I heard is the real price- instead made me pay $32.

Now, turns out the Vietnam visa on arrival is only available if you fly, everyone else has to have their visa processed for 3 days. So, I'm in Siam Reap an extra day than I planned.

I feel resigned to my extra day, but I already want to leave. I can't really take the dust and the noise of Siam Reap right now. My introvert side is showing. I can tell that I'm probably gonna spend a lot of money at cafes, since I can't really spend the $35 to get me back to Angkor for another day. Nor do I really have the energy to go again.

Being here is easier and harder than I thought. I'm letting myself be; I think. I just don't really know how I'm supposed to feel while that happens. But I guess that's the point.