"I got a message for you, boy, but it seem I was never on time" or, "Lamentations on my Singleness"

I can't really say that I really want to be married. Words like "wedding" "bride" "husband" feel like a foreign language that I will never ever wraps my tongue or my mind around.

But I have always, always, always wanted to be in a committed relationship. I have always wanted to give love and be loved in a quiet, lifelong, life giving sort of way.

It's a desire that runs so deep I can barely put any of it in words. I can only describe the way my stomach tightens and my blood seems to hum in my veins.

It's a legitimate thing. At least that's what I tell myself.

Lately tho, I just wanna be free of it.

I just wanna remember that really; I don't need to be loved or love someone that way. And not in a i-have-to-love-myself-before-i-can-love-someone-else kind of way, either. Just plain- I'd be content if I never dated or fell 'in love' with another person ever again.

I wanna get to that point.

I bought a used copy of Aperture 2 today, a professional photo editing program.

I don't know why I feel so afraid.

In other news, I'm learning to give names to the real things I feel; and be honest about my intentions.

like: Actually, I don't want to call him to see how his day was, I really want to vent about my parents and eventually have him validate me.

I'm not sure what good it's doing yet- but I like it.

secret

secret of the easy yoke - pedro the lion

i could hear the church bells ringing

they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still

---

every time I hear this song, i have to play it over and over again.

Madam Bovary

... he abandoned every last shred of restraint and consideration. He turned her into something compliant, something corrupt.

-Madam Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert, via Little Children

Things I learned this school year (running post)

i hate to police.

i can only be one thing at one time. student, RA, emotional human being.

i don't transition from role to role quickly.

When I get interrupted from doing one thing, it's hard for me to get back.

I have tendencies to navel-gaze (excessive self absorption).

If I don't start thinking about being somewhere an entire half hour or hour before I have to be somewhere, I will be late.

...this results in my being super early or super late.

i need 10 hours of sleep a night.

When stressed, I will either sleep, spend money or stare off into the distance for hours.

more to come.

what do I do now?

From: go-ed@fh.org

Subject: Go ED. Fall 2009 Notification

Date: May 5, 2009 5:23:36 PM CDT

To: cmmungcal@gmail.com

Reply-To: go-ed@fh.org

Hi Cat,

(This email is the electronic notification of the letter you will receive by mail. Please read this e-mail completely so that you can respond to the action steps at the end.)

Congratulations!

We are pleased to announce that Food for the Hungry has selected you to participate in the Go ED. Mekong Semester Study Abroad Program for Fall 2009.

To confirm your participation in the program please submit the $300.00 program deposit by check to:

Houghton College

Off Campus Programs

One Willard Avenue

CPO 188

Houghton, NY 14744

The deposit is to be submitted to Houghton no later than Friday, May 15, 2009 and will off-set your program fees.

After the deadline date of May 15, 2009, a packet of information will be mailed to you with everything you need to know before your departure for Mekong.

Travel and contact information

In order to secure the lowest airfare possible, we will be booking your flight overseas very soon after the deposit deadline. We will need the following information from you to reserve your ticket:

Name as it appears on your passport.

Passport number.

Issue date.

Expiration date.

If during the summer your address will be different than 3305 West Foster Ave. CPO 2887 please provide the updated address as there will be information mailed to you and we want to ensure that it is received in a timely manner.

Action step: Please reply to this email to provide me with your travel and contact information.

If you have any questions please contact me at go-ed@fh.org or call 1-800-248-6437, ext. 1167.

Blessings,

Donna Bradford

Programs Assistant

Placement Services

Food for the Hungry / U.S.

1224 E. Washington St.

Phoenix, AZ 85034

1-800-248-6437

www.fh.org

my finest misfortune

my finest misfortune- derek webb & sandra mccracken

to the one who's broken, the one who's lost, and waiting for some comfort
wisdom speaks in the darkest parts, but few can understand it
she gives and she takes it away
the sun and the moon, the sky and the rain
her love is just the same

so many questions, so much undone, i am my finest misfortune
who i am and where i was, like a string of weary ambition
but she paints all the rooms with her name
truth or deceit, criminals and saints
her love is just the same

(instrumental)

i cannot sleep, i have a weary head and I'm circling the rafters
above the day, my dreams and debts
oh, i am tumbling after
the wheels spin around in the sand
for better or worse, ruin or fame
her love is just the same


----
beth told me my feelings were valid, but I don't really know what that means. I'd really rather I NOT feel this way. Or that acknowledging these feelings made them go away. I don't want to sit here with this.

When I feel things, I feel them deeply. They dictate the things I do. Whether I sleep all day or not sleep at all.

I don't really believe that I'm gonna get the things I want. I hope it's because there's something better for me. So much better that I can't imagine/fathom them. But I don't really believe that either.