random post

Not much has happened lately; I still suck at school and Roe is back online in Rwanda.
We got to talk, and I once again feel affirmed in her love. ^_^.

I guess I just had to come to terms with myself. I am constantly in competition with someone for everything; better hair, "better" morals, the more asskicking school work, "more indie" music, "least likely to care about appearance".
And that just needs to quit. I just need to let my hair grow out and realize that I think and understand the world macro, but my methods have always been much more micro.
I just had to come to terms with myself.







I'm with a boy. I like him a lot. And he likes me too.
see, flat noses are nice, because they don't get all smashed up when you try to kiss somebody (-The Debut)

selling out.

The mission is still to move overseas.
....but am I bailing?
Roe called me out.
"You had full potential to be a great media coordinator/editor. But you're becoming a nurse."

Am I selling out because I want to do medicine?

For a long time, it was Roe and I, 2 sociologists against the world. Now, I'm the one that bailed.

I'm the one that bailed.

"about a nurse" insomnia post

May at About a Nurse blog wrote a post about the difficulty of being too busy as a nurse that it makes it difficult to actually be there for any of your patients.

Yes, I want to be a nurse, but I have to be ready to understand my own limits.

I don't know what I want.

Do I really wanna do a Master's in Nursing?
For the prestige?
Because all I've ever wanted was to know if I was good enough for the UC's?

Is it ok that what I really want is to see if I can do it?
because I really think I can.

^sigh.

I know that want to be a nurse, that I wanna see patients get better, that I want to be useful when I decide to move internationally; I also know that I wanna move back to the Bay; that I want to be with my family; and I want to be good enough to get into UC.



I signed my email Christina Mungcal today; I did it for the MEPN emails.... I'm not quite sure what I want that to mean.
I haven't done laundry in forever.

"I'm just being practical right now."

Beth introduced me to Gerard, a pinoy she works with who introduced me to a bunch of other filipinas, and we studied together for a few hours yesterday. EVERYONE is a nursing major. EVERYONE.

I was talking to Ate May's sister, Myra, and when I asked her if she was in nursing she nodded, "Yes, I'm just being practical right now."
And I remembered why I didn't want to do nursing in the first place; because there are SO many pin@ys are doing it because it's in high demand and they'll get paid well. And I wonder if they have enough love and sympathy for their patients.

I'm probably judging. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Filipin@s make fantastic nurses.

I'm probably only upset because I don't know if I'm good enough.

I was thinking about getting my reference letters; and I have NO idea where I would get them from.
Stienhart
Nedilsky
Alani?
And who else?

And if they tell the truth... do I want them to write it?

My biggest question is still about whether or not I want to be a Nurse Practitioner. Shouldn't I just get my RN first? And just try it out first?
Am I being sensible or just afraid?

I didn't apply to the UC system. I didn't finish my CSU applications. I had internalized my fear and then projected it out that I didn't "need it." I was so afraid of their rejection, I refused to apply. I don't want to be afraid this time.

I sent an informational email to the program. I have to do my GRE this summer. I have to decide a specialty before I apply.
I'm so afraid.

fear and UCSF MEPN

I told Dad last night. He's really excited. (He should be. He and Mom are also back together!)
He suggested UCSF because they have an accelerated one year program, and I went and looked it up.
But it's not a one year. Well it is, sort of, I am eligible to take my NCLEX (RN exam) in a year, but after that I have 2 years to specialize in a Nursing Master's degree. It's called the MEPN; Master's Entry Program in Nursing.

I have three really awesome options to specialize in:
midwifery/women's health
trauma
advanced community health and international nursing

INTERNATIONAL NURSING.

When I found out I freaked out, I called Dad and went a little nuts. I decided I wanted to be a nurse 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago! And now I find out that I have to be a specialist! SPECIALTY means leadership! When I graduate they'll make me the head of something! That's SO scary! SO FRIGHTENING. I'm too afraid I don't want this. I'm too afraid to want this. I know FANTASTIC people who do nursing, and how do I be amazing like that? And Dad pegged it, dead on. He knew that I was afraid of this opportunity.

Not only that, but I have exactly ONE YEAR to know if I wanna do this. ONE YEAR to choose a specialty and APPLY. ONE YEAR.

I don't think I'm good enough.


but I want to try anyway.

inclusion and exclusion.

Today, Beth introduced me to Gerard, a Filipino she works with, and I got to meet 4 other people who look and sound like I do. ^_^. They were appalled that I had spent 2 years here and haven't met any other Filipinos and proceeded to go through the yearbook page by page and pointing out all the Filipinos. It was great. I have an Ate here at NPU! ^_^.


I sent Charles an article today from Racialicious... and it's amazing what the word 'overbearing' does to me. Not that he isn't right. In my effort to make him feel understood, I said the wrong things.