i should be happy. 

i should be excited.

i should be motivated.

all i wanna do is sleep. 

i feel all wrong. 

new house.

My parents bought a big ass house. 

I just feel conflicted. 

passion.

when I think about it, I will always be passionate about photography.
schell says I need to get over my insecurities and just allow it to be.
and I really wanna do that.
But I still remember how I felt, not having a skill to offer them, and then asking them if it was ok for me to intrude on their daily lives.

And when I think about it, I don't even feel like I have a cause.

...no cause, no skill, just me and my love for pictures.

End of Finals Week: getting here from there

"I know where I was and I know where I am now, and you just can't get here from there."
-Anne Lamott

I thought my Race and Ethnicity final was a day earlier than it was. I got an extra day. That 24 hours made all the difference. I found myself wanting things and people I didn't REALLY want; and I realized that, even though, yes, I have been one step forward and 2 steps back, God has constantly through grace has picked me up and has transported me flights and flights up.

So, I'm still moving and changing, I just don't 'feel' like it. But I'm hopeful.
I met with Dr. Hostetter, and he's ready to back us for Go-ED.
I'm hopeful about this too.

Advent: Week 2 (a week behind)

Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

-Isaiah 40 1-2

5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?

6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?

7 Show us your unfailing love, LORD,
and grant us your salvation.

8 I will listen to what God the LORD says;
he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants—
but let them not turn to folly.

9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.

-Psalm 85:5-9

Advent week 3

Stir up your power, O Lord, and with great might come among us; and, because we are sorely hindered by our sins, let your bountiful grace and mercy speedily help and deliver us; through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory, now and for ever. Amen.

-Book of Common Prayer

22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the work of their hands.

23 They will not labor in vain,
nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,
they and their descendants with them.

Isiah 65: 22-23

3 wishes.

1) to pass this semester.
2)For the school to approve me studying abroad through FH next fall.
3) to meet someone worth my attention

advent week one.

So, I'm 'doing' Advent this year. Which essentially means that along with my church, New Community, I'm going to be reading a set of scriptures each day as a time of reflection to prepare for Christmas.

Because Christmas is still about God coming to be in this mess with us.

And it's be really awesome if I could see God in my mess being with me.

So from that:

Behold, you were angry, and we sinned; in our sins we have been a long time, and shall we be saved.
There is no one who calls upon your name, who rouses himself to take hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us, and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities.
Be not so terribly angry, O Lord, and remember not iniquity forever. Behold, please look, we are all your people.
Will you keep silent, and afflict us so terribly?
-Pieces of Isaiah 64

Restore us, O God; let your face shine, that we may be saved.
O Lord God of hosts, how long will you be angry with your people's prayers?
You have fed them with the bread of tears, and given them tears to drink in full measure.
Restore us, o God of hosts, let your face shine, that we may be saved.
Turn again, O God of hosts! Look down and see; have regard for this vine, the stock that your right hand planted, and for the son whom you made strong for yourself.
But let your hand be on on the man of your right hand, the son of man whom you have made strong for yourself!
Then we shall not turn back from you; give us life, and we will call upon your name!
Restore us, O Lord God of hots! let your face shine, that we may be saved.
-Psalm 80

I really feel this way... that God is hiding from me, that God is being distant on purpose; or that I'm lost with no way back.... I'm comforted to know I'm not the only one; and that God hears me (these prayers wouldn't be included if God didn't). The next scripture is John 1; which is all about Jesus being God and Jesus coming to earth... and I know that JesusGod is God's answer to these prayers. And I know that it's the Holy Spirit's job to make Christ's love real in our hearts and minds.
So it all goes back to me waiting on and listening what the Holy Spirit is telling me.
....and I still feel like all I've ever done is wait and listening... and nothing.
Saying 'Well, God's timing is God's timing" sound frustrating and trite.
But I'm going to wait and listen and hope.

finals week

This week, I have 2 presentations, 2 papers due, and 3 finals.
And my nose is stuffed. (Makes infant face)

At least by tomorrow morning, one presentation will be finished.

I know that my life right now is going down hill because I don't know, don't trust, don't believe in a good God.
Peter Hong says that as Christians we don't believe in a good, gracious God, because a truly unconditionally loving God, could ask us to give up anything.
I ask Colby what I'm afraid to give up, because I feel like I've given up everything. Colby says control. Everyone needs control over their life. He says I should consider praying for a mentor. I straight laughed.
I've been thinking why I laughed. And it's because almost everything I've ever done, I've done on my own. There's the task at the beginning, and the judgment at the end. The only word I get from someone higher has been either "Good" or "Not good enough." And if anything's not good enough, it's because I didn't work hard enough, because I was too lazy, because I chose not to invest my all.
So the idea of giving up control does not sit well with me. Because if things do not go "well" it's my fault. It's because of my inefficiencies and short comings.

But I suppose with God there is no 'going well' or 'not going well', no 'good' or 'not good enough'. Maybe all there is is 'in God's will' or 'not'.

Lord, where ever You are, help me get there.

:| whenever I think of God's will, I think of putting other above myself; which I know I haven't been very good at doing.... but it comes back to what I'm doing wrong and being in control still.

I've been thinking a lot about nursing. The idea of doing it is exciting... but it's still just an option. That's all... just the way I've rationalized the dilemmas I've run into.

Lord, please help.

a change gonna come.

This past Thanksgiving weekend I realized that all semester I've been depressed.
Of course there are good/great days; but I'm mainly pushing upstream.

I know it's completely irrational, but depression by definition is irrational.

It's been characterized by:
a feeling of deep loneliness that isn't remedied by the presence of others
a hate of being physically alone
recurring anxiety that's like someone bound up my heart and dropped in in my stomach
a lack of motivation to do anything, school, work, eat, or even call others
the constant recurring thought that "there's something inherently wrong with me"
an un-satisfaction with who I am and who I am becoming
a disconnect between who I say I am and who I practice to be

It might just be this semester, and it may be over soon...maybe all I need is to do work that I want to be doing, like volunteering with common threads where I teach kids to cook and eat well, and doing classes where I can get a real handle on nursing (anatomy) and a real grasp of what I wanted from sociology (practicum and US impact in the global world). ^crosses fingers.

If things go as planned (which they usually don't) all I'll need is to reconcile my sexuality and get into GoEd and find a Bay Area nursing program. And I'm all good! ^sarcastic fist pump.

I've never wanted to move back home as much as I do right now; which is funny, because it won't make me feel better.

...I'm going to bed.

breathe.

I'm feeling the pressure of the end of the semester.
I feel really lonely at night and it paralyzes me from doing anything productive.
(Not that I don't feel that way during the day, or that any work gets done then.)
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a semester abroad if I'm going to meet all my requirements for UC.
(or pass this semester at the rate I'm going)

I'm just doing the best I can right now.


... Really. I promise.

On Giving Up

Peter Hong at New Community Church always says the reason Christians always fall into religion is unconditional Love and Grace could ask you to give up anything.

I know that deep deep down, my problem is that I love God's cause and not God Herself; but I'm hesitating.

Cuz there are so many things I don't want to give up.

Like my silly search for a man to love me.
Like my politics.
Like my hidden materialism.
Like all the things that I say I believe in but don't do in real life.

Now, I know that God would never ask of me things I don't already need to let go of, I just know it's going to be difficult. I hate to be told I'm wrong.

I can already feel it.

We just have to hope that God respects our struggle to follow His/Her will.

"Isn't that what someone wise once told me?"
"I don't feel like that person right now."
"That doesn't really matter. You are."

Shadows Prove the Sunshine

I was told today that I can't go to Thailand.
I'm going to push hard if I want to go.
It'd be worth it if I did; and I will.
But today I feel rejected.
I'm having a difficult time sitting and waiting.

----------

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain well
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light where
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me

Shine on me,
Let my Shadows prove the sunshine.

-Shadows Prove the Sunshine; Switchfoot.

A New Redemption Song

Lord, we need a new redemption song.
Lord, we've tried, it just seems to come out wrong.
Won't you help us, please, help us just to sing along.
A new redemption song, A new redemption song.

Lord, we need a new redemption day.
All our worries keep getting in the way.
Won't you help us please, help us find the words to pray.
To bring Redemption day, To bring redemption day.
-A New Redemption Song, Over the Rhine

I can't really take my mental state right now.
I can't describe it other than a deep loneliness,
And a deep knowledge that I don't like who I'm becoming.

that tightness in my chest

I walk beside myself, knowing this isn't where I belong.
Missing a place I have yet to have been.

When I tried to explain, he asked if I was thinking about transferring.
He didn't get it.

That's not the point.
It's not so much about where I am, but who I am.

Do You Remember?

It hits me like a brick wall,
do you remember?
do you remember why I brought you here?

The whole reason I came to NPU was to learn about poverty, a poverty I came face to face with in the PI. And instead I've gotten swept up in dreams for a gentrified high rise and underground organic night clubs.

LORD, I remember. Help me get there.

I still don't know my place. I still don't know what I'm doing.
LORD, please help me. Please make this clear.

I still wanna move to the Philippines, don't I?
I still wanna work with women, don't I?
I still wanna do photography, right?

It's the right thing for me to go into nursing, isn't it?
It allows me to work in a system, which is good, because I knew I need to be guided, that I can't be alone pioneering this. It's micro work, which is both good and bad; it enables me to be human with each person, but will being human with each person force me into an emotional black hole? It can also translate into macro work through questions like 'What are the demographics of people I serve? Why is that? How can we make this more available?"

LORD, I remember I have a purpose. But if You could just let me know, that'd be great.

why...

am I so lonely, all the damn time?

President Elect Barack Obama

My Dad used to always say to me, "Chris, I could never become President. But you, you were born here. You could become President." I used to hate it. I used to feel like he was being bossy and projecting on me.
But it's just like my fear to apply to the UC's when I first graduated. I had internalized that I could never be 'great', that I wasn't smart enough, that I just wasn't good enough to be President.

But last night, watching an immigrant's son become President Elect, and knowing that my little vote helped make that happen, I realized that I am great. And that anything I decide to do, I will be great.

And that by realizing my greatness, I am taking my steps towards who God called me to be and my place in the Kingdom.

And I'm proud to say that I'm doing it at this point in history where Obama is President.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; "I Have Been To the Mountaintop"

decisions about abortion

So, I've decided that I do wanna specialize in Women's Health, even if that means being a midwife, because this norm that says it's alright to talk about sex but not alright to talk about sexual health is nothing but destructive to me.

I also validate the fact that sex, is really about being connected to, and intimate with, another person, and family, child birthing and rearing is another way that happens.

But I really have to tackle a few things if I'm really serious about this; I have to become definitive about what I believe about pre-marital sex and abortion.


... and this post is WAY too big for me right now.

random post

Not much has happened lately; I still suck at school and Roe is back online in Rwanda.
We got to talk, and I once again feel affirmed in her love. ^_^.

I guess I just had to come to terms with myself. I am constantly in competition with someone for everything; better hair, "better" morals, the more asskicking school work, "more indie" music, "least likely to care about appearance".
And that just needs to quit. I just need to let my hair grow out and realize that I think and understand the world macro, but my methods have always been much more micro.
I just had to come to terms with myself.







I'm with a boy. I like him a lot. And he likes me too.
see, flat noses are nice, because they don't get all smashed up when you try to kiss somebody (-The Debut)

selling out.

The mission is still to move overseas.
....but am I bailing?
Roe called me out.
"You had full potential to be a great media coordinator/editor. But you're becoming a nurse."

Am I selling out because I want to do medicine?

For a long time, it was Roe and I, 2 sociologists against the world. Now, I'm the one that bailed.

I'm the one that bailed.

"about a nurse" insomnia post

May at About a Nurse blog wrote a post about the difficulty of being too busy as a nurse that it makes it difficult to actually be there for any of your patients.

Yes, I want to be a nurse, but I have to be ready to understand my own limits.

I don't know what I want.

Do I really wanna do a Master's in Nursing?
For the prestige?
Because all I've ever wanted was to know if I was good enough for the UC's?

Is it ok that what I really want is to see if I can do it?
because I really think I can.

^sigh.

I know that want to be a nurse, that I wanna see patients get better, that I want to be useful when I decide to move internationally; I also know that I wanna move back to the Bay; that I want to be with my family; and I want to be good enough to get into UC.



I signed my email Christina Mungcal today; I did it for the MEPN emails.... I'm not quite sure what I want that to mean.
I haven't done laundry in forever.

"I'm just being practical right now."

Beth introduced me to Gerard, a pinoy she works with who introduced me to a bunch of other filipinas, and we studied together for a few hours yesterday. EVERYONE is a nursing major. EVERYONE.

I was talking to Ate May's sister, Myra, and when I asked her if she was in nursing she nodded, "Yes, I'm just being practical right now."
And I remembered why I didn't want to do nursing in the first place; because there are SO many pin@ys are doing it because it's in high demand and they'll get paid well. And I wonder if they have enough love and sympathy for their patients.

I'm probably judging. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Filipin@s make fantastic nurses.

I'm probably only upset because I don't know if I'm good enough.

I was thinking about getting my reference letters; and I have NO idea where I would get them from.
Stienhart
Nedilsky
Alani?
And who else?

And if they tell the truth... do I want them to write it?

My biggest question is still about whether or not I want to be a Nurse Practitioner. Shouldn't I just get my RN first? And just try it out first?
Am I being sensible or just afraid?

I didn't apply to the UC system. I didn't finish my CSU applications. I had internalized my fear and then projected it out that I didn't "need it." I was so afraid of their rejection, I refused to apply. I don't want to be afraid this time.

I sent an informational email to the program. I have to do my GRE this summer. I have to decide a specialty before I apply.
I'm so afraid.

fear and UCSF MEPN

I told Dad last night. He's really excited. (He should be. He and Mom are also back together!)
He suggested UCSF because they have an accelerated one year program, and I went and looked it up.
But it's not a one year. Well it is, sort of, I am eligible to take my NCLEX (RN exam) in a year, but after that I have 2 years to specialize in a Nursing Master's degree. It's called the MEPN; Master's Entry Program in Nursing.

I have three really awesome options to specialize in:
midwifery/women's health
trauma
advanced community health and international nursing

INTERNATIONAL NURSING.

When I found out I freaked out, I called Dad and went a little nuts. I decided I wanted to be a nurse 2 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago! And now I find out that I have to be a specialist! SPECIALTY means leadership! When I graduate they'll make me the head of something! That's SO scary! SO FRIGHTENING. I'm too afraid I don't want this. I'm too afraid to want this. I know FANTASTIC people who do nursing, and how do I be amazing like that? And Dad pegged it, dead on. He knew that I was afraid of this opportunity.

Not only that, but I have exactly ONE YEAR to know if I wanna do this. ONE YEAR to choose a specialty and APPLY. ONE YEAR.

I don't think I'm good enough.


but I want to try anyway.

inclusion and exclusion.

Today, Beth introduced me to Gerard, a Filipino she works with, and I got to meet 4 other people who look and sound like I do. ^_^. They were appalled that I had spent 2 years here and haven't met any other Filipinos and proceeded to go through the yearbook page by page and pointing out all the Filipinos. It was great. I have an Ate here at NPU! ^_^.


I sent Charles an article today from Racialicious... and it's amazing what the word 'overbearing' does to me. Not that he isn't right. In my effort to make him feel understood, I said the wrong things.

getting back.

I don't know when I started slacking off.
When I stopped reading my class material; when I stopped organizing my papers; stopped calendaring; started leaving my shit everywhere; or leaving dishes around the place; and it's culminated in losing the Dialogue attendance sheet TWICE.

This is my ONLY CONSISTENT RESPONSIBILITY as a PAA and I lost it. TWICE.

Come on, get it together. All I really have to offer is my organization and hard work; if I can't do that. There's no point.

-edit-
AND I have a test in Research Methods on Monday; way to go. I haven't even read any of the chapters since the last test.
This is not ok.


Walang ligaya sa lupa na hindi dinilig ng luha.
There is no earthly bliss not watered by tears.

always

I have always wanted to heal.
I just never knew how that was going to happen.
I still don't know.

Lord, please help me.

another sleepless night.

I can't sleep.
I'm watching episodes of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy instead.
lol. The last time I stayed up all night I wanted to be a graphic designer; the time before that it was food blogging.
:/ And none of that lasted.
So who says this will?


Well, regardless, I love Grey's Anatomy. ^_^.
Racial diversity, Plus-size women, interracial relationships, wrinkles... all those human things we pretend don't exist (and sometimes we refuse to allow to exist).

running

Have I been running this whole time?

I've fought my whole life to not do medicine.
And here I am considering being a sociology/nursing double major.
If I do this, I will be at North Park for another 3 years.

I remember being at the Mother Teresa orphanage for mentally disabled children and how I was completely immobile during it. I refused to touch anyone or come near anyone because I felt if I have nothing to offer, nothing to help heal I had no business being there.

I don't know if this is a good idea. I'm afraid of sickness. I'm afraid of people dying.
Do I think just because I know how to wrap a bandage it's is going to curb my fear of wounds?

:/ I do know that when I do see sickness, all I can think is you should not be this way.

Lord, if this is an impulse, please take it away.

a brick wall

It hit me like a brick wall yesterday,
do you remember?
do you remember why I brought you here?