Next month, it'll be a year since I named that tightness in my chest as 'depression'. I'm still uncomfortable with the label. So, I call it this Thing.

At the time, I hoped it would just go away. That because there was nothing for me to be anxious or depressed about that it would just dissipate itself. I thought that because I was making movements towards things that meant a lot to me, it would ease itself. But the pressure of school and the reality that someday I would have to grow up and take care of myself kept that bind around my heart.

I don't have any excuses now. I'm living in the most beautiful place, studying what I want to study. And it still won't go away. Today, I boxed myself into the corner of the couch with the pillows. For some reason, I thought that maybe if I could match the physical pressure I feel inside on the outside, it might equalize itself.

I've never needed that before. I can't communicate any of it. Thankfully, this is a step above "There's something inherently wrong with me", which was the only thing I could think when this happened before.

I know that there's no way to quantify emotion health, and no easy way of fixing this sort of thing. And I know there's no way of rationalizing myself out of it. It's just-it's been a year.

I just thought I'd be different by now.