A New Redemption Song

Lord, we need a new redemption song.
Lord, we've tried, it just seems to come out wrong.
Won't you help us, please, help us just to sing along.
A new redemption song, A new redemption song.

Lord, we need a new redemption day.
All our worries keep getting in the way.
Won't you help us please, help us find the words to pray.
To bring Redemption day, To bring redemption day.
-A New Redemption Song, Over the Rhine

I can't really take my mental state right now.
I can't describe it other than a deep loneliness,
And a deep knowledge that I don't like who I'm becoming.

that tightness in my chest

I walk beside myself, knowing this isn't where I belong.
Missing a place I have yet to have been.

When I tried to explain, he asked if I was thinking about transferring.
He didn't get it.

That's not the point.
It's not so much about where I am, but who I am.

Do You Remember?

It hits me like a brick wall,
do you remember?
do you remember why I brought you here?

The whole reason I came to NPU was to learn about poverty, a poverty I came face to face with in the PI. And instead I've gotten swept up in dreams for a gentrified high rise and underground organic night clubs.

LORD, I remember. Help me get there.

I still don't know my place. I still don't know what I'm doing.
LORD, please help me. Please make this clear.

I still wanna move to the Philippines, don't I?
I still wanna work with women, don't I?
I still wanna do photography, right?

It's the right thing for me to go into nursing, isn't it?
It allows me to work in a system, which is good, because I knew I need to be guided, that I can't be alone pioneering this. It's micro work, which is both good and bad; it enables me to be human with each person, but will being human with each person force me into an emotional black hole? It can also translate into macro work through questions like 'What are the demographics of people I serve? Why is that? How can we make this more available?"

LORD, I remember I have a purpose. But if You could just let me know, that'd be great.

why...

am I so lonely, all the damn time?

President Elect Barack Obama

My Dad used to always say to me, "Chris, I could never become President. But you, you were born here. You could become President." I used to hate it. I used to feel like he was being bossy and projecting on me.
But it's just like my fear to apply to the UC's when I first graduated. I had internalized that I could never be 'great', that I wasn't smart enough, that I just wasn't good enough to be President.

But last night, watching an immigrant's son become President Elect, and knowing that my little vote helped make that happen, I realized that I am great. And that anything I decide to do, I will be great.

And that by realizing my greatness, I am taking my steps towards who God called me to be and my place in the Kingdom.

And I'm proud to say that I'm doing it at this point in history where Obama is President.

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; "I Have Been To the Mountaintop"

decisions about abortion

So, I've decided that I do wanna specialize in Women's Health, even if that means being a midwife, because this norm that says it's alright to talk about sex but not alright to talk about sexual health is nothing but destructive to me.

I also validate the fact that sex, is really about being connected to, and intimate with, another person, and family, child birthing and rearing is another way that happens.

But I really have to tackle a few things if I'm really serious about this; I have to become definitive about what I believe about pre-marital sex and abortion.


... and this post is WAY too big for me right now.